Railside's Home

how time flies

2005-11-06T13:28:00.000-08:00

Wow, I knew it had been awhile since I updated but an entire month and a day is insane. So much has happened in the past month its hard to remember it all. Shockingly enough mainly good news, I am as amazed as you all are. For starters I am no longer screwing bolts into things, now I'm a quality advisor- which is as I understand it the combination of an engineer and a supervisor. I’ve already played my part in fireing one of the senior testers for not doing his job right. But finally I am in a position that reflects my intelligence and education. But getting this job proves to me I am doing good at bullshiting, why you ask- because in addition to my experience and education my “positive attitude” was one of the determining factors of getting the job. Not that it shocks me very much but now that I'm no longer doing mindless labor my depression, while not gone entirely has significantly subsided. And I have finally accomplished 2/3 of the goals I had for this year: moving out of stupid and bitch’s house and getting a better job. The third of getting some sort of romantic interest has not came nor do I see it in the foreseeable future but who knows considering I didn’t anticipate getting this job until 2 or 3 Fridays ago anything can happen. The funny thing is with this new job a lot of the things that was depressing me don’t really matter. The thing that comes to mind first is the Sarah issue. For those who don’t know what the hell I am talking about I’ll paraphrase Sarah is someone I work with who claimed to be an open minded, feminist. We started talking and flirting with each other, went on a date or two and then one of my coworkers who I was sort of friends with decides he is interested in her too and she finds him a little more physically attractive decides to blow me off and become involved with him. This no longer matters because now in essence I'm their superior. Well I need to get to Mulgore so ttyl.

Birthday Bomb, Trucker Bomb....its all the same

2005-10-05T02:44:00.000-07:00

Well my birthday came and went and blah, I was thinking about it and I realized 22 was probably one of the worst years of my life [My A key isn’t working the best so if I miss a few A’s that’s why] I lived at home with my parents where I had my mother talk to the cat more then she talked to me. I never had a girlfriend or any remotely close opportunities to get one, except for that one girl who already had 2 kids and was only 21 which makes me sick. I never had sex once which makes me miserable knowing that all my friends are ether screwing on a regular basis or have had sex with in the last year. So it seems that every birthday after 21 it gets worse and worse. Also started cutting myself regularly to try and deal with the mental pain and to top it off I gained back all the weight I lost when living alone before. Though now that I am living away from home I have set a few goals that I would like to try and follow through with by the time I turn 24. But as far as my “party” goes the one I had a few days before my actual birthday the only person I knew there was whytey, who apparently didn’t realize even though I remember telling him to have people around because I was planning on this being by birthday party. The closest thing to a birthday party was the System concert on Friday which was fun, however the excessive amount of driving I had to do was getting to me but oh well, I got a free concert ticket and a free tank of gas out of it. But the moral of the story is hopefully 23 will be a better year and the 24^th party will be better. Next thing is: One thing I have been noticing within the past couple of weeks that is confusing me is that Andera is acting like I am incapable of having any emotion. So why would someone who is not capable of having emotion cut them selves or why would they want to die on such a regular basis, if one has no emotion then emotional pain wouldn’t exist, and well I'm sure the circular logic is quite obvious. I think I have more to say but I'm too tired, will post when can see straight.

meaningfull post

2005-09-03T01:26:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone I’ve got a few things to talk about so anyways…. First off the Chrysler is totaled due to a semi truck ramming my mother in the ass (excuse the gross sexual implication on that but if you see the car you will understand). So no more Chrysler, as far as getting a new car is concerned we are not sure what to get, I was thinking about a phaeton for awhile until gas prices were $3.25 for regular and the phaeton has a 24 gallon tank and requires premium (that’s about $84/week) so probably isn’t going to happen. So I'm looking into the BMW 5 series, going to go check it out today. Next issue on the chopping block: I'm finally moving out of the house, tomorrow and Monday to be exact, hopefully wont have to commute past early next week- got a nice place needs a few things but its 1000 times better then the old place. Speaking of that Slutty called me yesterday saying she is 7 months pregnant w/ AIDS so when I hear shit like that it reminds me of two things, first off being single has its perks like the statistical unlikelihood of not having AIDS or worse getting someone pregnant and secondly karma is a real bitch. Lastly in regards to the hurricane: from my understanding New Orleans is fucked, it sucks because I now have no place to go for Halloween other then shitty Madison. But moreover Mike Malloy pointed out tonight that all these religious rightwing organizations who claim to be so concerned about people are not doing anything to help the two bastards I want to point out are James Dobson and Pat Robertson. Both of these hypocritical bastards claim to want to help and they have a donation site set up. What the fuck is money going to do for people who don’t have water to drink. You assholes want to do something to help, open your many houses, jets, busses and whatever else you have for the now homeless, and tell the people that would follow you to the ends of the earth to do the same. The only reason these old fucks want money is so they can skim a little off the top to pay for their $60,000 shower curtain. I'm not offering my help but then on the other hand I'm not exactly claiming I want to help people, I'm helping them every day I go to work. I'm sure there’s more but I need to get to bed…night all

what will the murdious bastads do next

2005-08-26T01:20:00.000-07:00

OK i'm going to write all i can in 10 mns: for those of you who dont know yet the christian televangilist Pat Robertson (which is probally most of you) the otherday he advocated assassinating the democratically elected preisdent of Venesualia (excuse the shitty spelling but i gotta get up early tomorrow) as long as the oil still flowed alright ya know what fuck it, i'm too pissed to write, the more i see whats done in the name of this religion the more pissed i am so instead i'm going to tell my version of the aristocrats story which i am hoping is the most offensive version EVER (yes it is better heard then read so bear with me)

A father and daughter who is about twelve years old walk into a telleant agents office and say they have an idea for a new show, the tellent agent that he isnt really into family things, being too clean however after 10 minutes of begging he finally agrees to see what they have to offer. At which point classical music is being qewed up on a cd player and the daughter springs to her legs, taking her jacket off revealing a gymnastics uniform. whihle the daughter is engaging in the splits the father grabs the daughter's inner thigh and begins to slip his hand into her crotch. imediately the daughter looks disturbed and tells her dad to stop it but he continues untill she screems if he dosent stop she will cry rape. The Father replies by its not rape if its dead, followed by slamming her head into the hard tile flooring at which point brain matter shoots out on the floor, the daughter is obviously dead, as evident by loosing control of her colon and shit and blood covers the dancing uniform. While taking his pants off the father says now its time for the real show, ripping off her clothing he grabs as much grey matter, shit, and piss as he can and putting it in her lifeless corsp. After making out for abotu a minute he pulls her overobsorbed tampon from her snatch and begins fucking her, as he is building up for climax he pulls out, sticks the used tampon in her mouth and fanally shoots his load into her now blue face. Lastly he sucks as much of this morbid concucksion out, swllows the entier thing with the string of the tampon hang out of his mouth, which he spits into the tellent agent's coffee cup like a tea bag. Now for the longest time the tellent agent dosent say a word and finally he takes the used tampon out of his coffee mug, takes a sip and says it is the most facinating show he has ever seen and asks what its called. The Father replies the aristocrats. Right as the father is putting his pants back on the tellent agent asks one question: "So how did you get the special effects like that to work"

I am hopiing this is the most offensive eversion of the joke ever its not so funny as much as it is offensive: by my count it includes incestious peto-necro-fecal-cannibal-felia, lemme know if you can think of anything more offensive

The Aristocrasts

2005-08-22T01:47:00.000-07:00

Since its almost 4 in the morning i'll make it brief: everyone has to see the Aristocrats, it is the funniest, most offensive movie ever

http://www.spschat.com/RareMedia/videos/southparkjoke-thearistocrats.wmv

watch this southpark clip and tell me that its not fucked up

At Long Last

2005-07-09T01:05:00.000-07:00

OK I finally said fuck everything and decided to finally write a new post since its long, long over due- going to address a lot of different things as importance and as I think of them. The catalyst for me writing this is when James called me the other day (probably a week or two now) but regardless he told me Peter found his half life game around the house and was going to give it back. Paul, give me my fucking DVD back, and if you broke it give me money so I can replace it. Since me telling you this means absolutely nothing to you I will say something you do care about. You claim to be a Christian (fundamentalist from what I can see but that aside) and if that’s true there are certain things from the bible you follow like the 10 commandments. Now I know its been awhile since I read the bible but I seem to remember that one of the commandments was thou shall not steal. Now for about a year you didn’t steal it, you were just borrowing it but since you really don’t give a shit about friendship I am taking it to stealing. And I'm not just saying this to pull at your religious strings (best phrasing I can think as opposed to heartstrings) I actually took the time to talk to a preacher and his interpretation to this was yes this is stealing. So just wrap it up, put my address on it (obviously you have the address since you took several months to find it by asking everyone but me) and mail it, or give it to Peter to give to James to give to me, or whatever. Or else you are just another Christian hypocrite which fuels the source of hate for James and myself. As long as I am on the subject of hypocrisy I might as well get into the fact that I have started listening to a Madison radio station called The Mic 92.1 which is obviously very liberal but its made me come to a few realizations. First Janeane Garafalo has to be the hottest woman in America for two reasons first I think she is physically attractive but more importantly holy crap I have never heard anyone so liberal- its one of those things you actually have to listen to in order to fully understand. So I would have to say discovering this was a very good thing, being surround by the proletariat workers that don’t give a shit about politics people still do. But I digress to my one political statement of this post: since I know quite a few people that voted for the stupid dumbass in November (Stupid, James White, Jason, Paul, Hannah, Steve motherfucker, and FUP to name a few) I propose regardless of the reason you voted for him whether you would rather see a fetus live as opposed to a productive member of society or if you just plain don’t like boys fucking boys you voted for him so you have to support what he dose to some extent so I propose that every person who voted for him enlist to go war, its war, its your values you are trying to mandate so lets see you actually live up to your vote Jason you like FPS games, here is your chance do it in real life, only when you die you don’t get X number of lives. Paul, wouldn’t you love to know you helped some heathen infidel learn the infinite love of Jesus from the barrel of a gun? And to everyone else just think you would actually be able to die for a cause you lived for, and in the end isn’t that the most important thing. On that note I have a strong feeling there is going to be a draft between late 2006 and mid 2008, I do not plan on going to Iraq to fight for oil ideally I plan on going to Germany or Thailand, however if these are not able to be done I will settle with Canada. But if everything fails and am not able to do any of this I plan on going to Washington DC, walk up to the capital or Whitehouse, pouring gas over myself and lighting myself on fire. The reason for this is even after 40 years since the Vietnam war started you would be heart pressed to find a modern history textbook that doesn't mention the monk that did the same in Vietnam. I guess what I am saying is if I'm going to die I want to be remembered by my name and not by a dog tag identification or on a wall with another million names identical to mine, but of course not before taking lots of loans and going deep into debt and spending it all on booze, drugs and hookers- hell it’s the type of shit they make mini series after. One last thing then enough of politics (I'm listening to Al Frankin at the moment what do you expect) got www.barrelsofblood.com great website. To address Andera with regard to your post from when I'm not sure I realize you are not intending to drive salt in my wound however when the only thing you ever asked for advise for was in regards to James, when you saw my situation how was I supposed to take it. Regardless I am glad you confide in me with issues you have with James but it seems at times you are disillusioned with what state my life is in, which is something is something an advisee must always consider. Yes I should be more open with emotions but that is one of those things where its easier said then done. And as far as trying to have my friends help me, you have to remember where I'm coming from, every day I am surrounded by single mothers who dropped out of high school and haven’t learned anything other then how to drink and drive and cheat the welfare system. While in contrast I see you, James (both Whitemore and White), Jason, and TJ…. around people who are halfway educated and able to talk about things other then how many DUIs they have. While I admit things have gotten marginally better since college students have started working there, at least 5 of the decent ones have already quit to do other things. Though the real issue is having to live in Burlington while working in Whitewater- hopefully I will be able to go back to Whitewater but at this point who knows. Whytey’s “source” is having shortcomings and I am not sure if it will lead to disappointment, but historically I am sure it will. Which puts me back at the beginning. But regardless I have been working this for awhile now so I’ll put in a few more things and go to bed. The Fourth of July was cool however I was kind of pissed that all of Kelli’s friends (about 12 total I would say) took about 75% of the roman candles and didn’t contribute any money what so ever, in addition thanking Kelli for them, (what a shock, I was not mentioned). Next year I am passing a collection plate around and anyone who doesn't contribute money doesn't use them (Bill contributing 150$ for himself, his wife and Kelli) which is fine but to assume he contributed that for 13 people is a little insane. Next year I am calling Kelli in June and telling her if her friends don’t put in money they don’t use shit. I will give Laura some credit for bring some things but apparently Jon was being an asshole to James, and JaY-RoD I wouldn’t know because I don’t pay attention to dead people but whatever. Lastly in the World of Warcraft I am level 57 and my current hopes are that I will end up being 60 by the time everyone goes back to school. I started doing raids, so far I have done Stratholme and Blackrock Depths, hopefully I will have done more but depends on groups. I would like the do Scholomance but again depends on what I can get as far as groups are concerned, well its 3:05 in the morning and I have to be up at 8:30 to get ready for work so Going to bed, Until I get time again.

me likey posty, me likey posty

2005-05-30T22:53:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone, its been awhile since I have posted and I figure that now I have some time to do so I might as well make a post. First order of business is after years of wait I think I am finally getting my speakers within the week. I was approved for $5000 in credit today at Abt so as soon as I get TJ or whytey to move my desk up stairs I am going to put in the order. The other great thing about that means my office is nearly done, the other major thing I need is a book shelf so I have some storage space for my books, as well as a curtain rod but that isn’t a very big deal- go to Restoration Hardware or Neimans some time after I have the exact dimensions. Next today, being memorial day I had it off from work (to which I am shocked by) so James, Andera and myself went to Illinois going to Abt, Neiman Marcus, and Woodfield, good times were had by all. Although on the drive home I was feeling what I thought was depression however after thinking about it in more depth its loneliness. Looking the people I know they are all with someone ether engaged, married, or deeply involved with someone. I'm not saying I want any or all of the above however it would be nice seeing someone who doesn't have kids and isn’t strung out on crack. I realize I have been harping on this in a good deal of my previous posts but to be quite blunt I don’t care. I see all of my friends getting engaged, dating, getting married and so on while I am alone with the only options are people like Kellie who have kids and make people like slutty look like devout Catholics. While at the same time my friends either don’t have the means/contacts to help my situation or don’t care (James and Andera for the first, Whytey for the second). In fact it seems that my life has became a joke because, you know in order for any woman to be interested in me she has to be a Russian mail order bride (thanks Andera). I'm not really ‘offended’ by the comment but at the same time I know if I made a comment of the same caliber that paradigm her life she would have been angry. But moreover I am trying to think about the validity of the statement as to what extent is that true, I was thinking about that most of the way home from WW and continuing up till right now. Not sure what conclusion I have yet. But regardless of that I have made a decision (that I originally made long ago) and that is to give the internet a serious try so I am in the process of researching the various companies now and by mid June I intend to join one of those services since I really don’t see any alternatives that are in the near future. I am contemplating including the online adult personals, James was deseeding me for awhile but I realize (then and now more then ever) he doesn't value sex much at all and I do. Beth taught me there are females out there who explore their sexuality and I want to do the same, just unsure if that’s the best way. Inline with this Andera I am not gay, and I do not think I'm bisexual simply because I don’t find guys attractive, find me a guy that’s gay/bi that I find attractive and then we’ll talk. Next topic Paul; I don’t even know if you read this anymore but if you do you obviously don’t want to be my friend because you have never called me nor texted me, when I have called and texted you (not recently because I have been waiting for you to call me) which simply hasn’t happened. I was considering calling you but given you’re married now I really don’t want to call when you have your dick up Jess’s ass but it doesn't really matter now does it. Plus don’t give me that I'm too busy bullshit because you text James regularly, and called him a few times, so I'm not buying that. I don’t want an appolgy, saying you’re a bad friend and you’ll change because you wont you had several chances to demonstrate otherwise and you never did jack shit. Also next time you see James at work, or you close followed by him opening or whatever I want my DVD back- you have had it for nearly a year and I have been quite- its funny when you let me borrow the blue shift game, I had it for a week before you started pestering to get it back, never mind I didn’t complete the game nor could I play it with out the CD. But the moral of the story is I want my DVD back ASAP, or the $25 it cost, also James doesn't have the balls to tell you so I am- give him his PS2 game Half Life back in the process. Next item on the agenda is work, it still sucks: they promoted a guy who doesn't know the difference between a half an inch and a quarter inch screw to product testing, and are contemplating promoting a guy who comes to work stoned on a regular basis but I plan on talking to HR in the coming weeks to hopefully get the situation fixed to where I have some position in the office, only downfall is I would have to go to day shift but the hours are 9-5 or 8:30-5, I may stay in the factory till second shift is over to transfer depending on pay differences. In reguards to the car: it still runs, needed a new headlight and now uses the xenon blue headlights which are cool but not sure how long the car will last. Lastly about the apartment: well my mother likes the idea but stupid doesn't, I will have to see how my pay checks good or bad my pay checks look now I have gotten my raise but with a little luck I should be out of the house by between July and September. The places I called all had apartments for rent ranging from 450 up to 788 per month divided by 2. Later in the week Whytey and I go look at them and we’ll see what happens there. Well about 2 and a half pages font size 12 single spaced- not as long as some I have posted but a lot longer then the shorter posts, will probably make another extensive post around the 4^th of July since that is the next time I get off of work. Time to go to WOW (lvl 52 now, about 1/3 of the way to 53).

tired

2005-05-25T01:30:00.000-07:00

frustrated by work and home, will explain weehn am not so tired

Vacation

2005-05-15T20:42:00.000-07:00

well this weekend wasnt an actual vacation but i was away from bitch since thursday night and it was so incredibaly relaxing i cant begin to describe it. Then i went home and ofcourse bitch was pissed that i wasnt home on friday after work much less sunday afternoon- ignorning the fact that she knew i was going to be gone but i dont give a shit. Plus i think she dosent like dwayne solely based on his sexuality, again ignoring her own personal hypocracies. she said she was going to refuse to cook me dinner and i said i she does that i will be leaving and woulnt be back. I dont think she beleaves me and wants me to live at home till i'm 30 or 40 when she dies which isnt going to happen. As of right now my goal is moving out of the house in august, after i get my raise at work i will be able to see what is fiezeable and whats not. but the moral of the story is: good weekend gaming, bitch tried to ruin it, i wont let her and i'm not living at home much longer.

high standards

2005-05-09T02:01:00.000-07:00

OK its been awhile since I have posted so I figure its time again: so as 90% of the people who read this blog know I finally met someone who was interested in me at work but she as a few problems which I cannot over look for starters she is 22 years old and has 2 children one 4 and the other 8 which violates one of the maxims I set up for myself. If you didn’t know I set up several rules I am trying to abide by in my course of trying to find someone to date namely first they do not have children second they are not deeply religious and lastly they are not stupid as in I can actually have an intelligent conversation with them. So aside from the children we talked briefly about sex and she said “I lost count how many guys I fucked after 250”. So while this may have boosted my self esteem slightly I don’t intend to pursue anything further. While I had some sort of hope another person would fall through the cracks of this company it is seeming less and less likely and with a turnover rating of 85+% it seems irrelevant. But regardless of all of this it has lead me to the question are my standards too high and should I settle for something that is worthy of the Jerry Springer show. I have been single for almost 11 months now and while I haven’t made strong attempts to change this situation as I have written and said so many times before I am not exactly sure how to change this situation. Although Andera said in WOW a few weeks ago something I have been turning over in my head for awhile that went to the effect of is it too much to ask for a guy with certain qualifications that were not at all outlandish I would quote but don’t remember exactly what was said. However I do recall I intern said is it too much for me to ask for a girl with certain qualities (I think the qualities I said were something like loving enough not to cheat on me when I go to work or something really simple like that and she never responded which leads me to think my standards are too high. Want to get your opinions on this

Anti-Christian America or Anti-Semetic America?

2005-04-21T23:46:00.000-07:00

Heres afew facts i want to get people's opinion on;
1. the united states has went to war with governments that do not allow free and open elections by their citizens: IE Iraq, Grenada, El Salvador, ect
2. the united states has instituted unreasonable terrifs on organizations that are under these courrupt regimes farmers of Cuba and Rice farmers of Vietnam come to mind
3. the catholic church's recent election of its head ie the pope was a closed election that not even all of the cardnals could participate in much less the billion or so catholics around the world
4. the pope elect, in his youth attended a nazi based school in Germany and by attandence became a part of the nazi party
5. nazis hate jews
6. the united states did nothing to block the election of the nazi pope whether it be economic sanctions or invasion of vatican city or Italy who may or may not be still a nazi
7. the united states has backed isreal blindly for many years and will most likely continue to do so.
Conclusions: the united states is backing one country whose population is hated by the head of another organization this country has a soft spot for
In other Words: this is the russians in Afganistan all over again only we are arming the isralies.
The Flaw: Islam is enemies of christians and jews and they will not go away in the blink of an eye.
The End: there will be an all out holy war between the 3 major religions.
The Winner: will be the Americans because god loves rapists, murders, thieves, and americans

sick??

2005-04-19T18:17:00.000-07:00

ok right now i'm too sick to be at work but sick enough that i'm bed ridden so since wow is taking some time to update i had might as well write a posting. first off it feels treat not to be in work right now- realizing that i would still have 3 and a half hours to go makes me really tempted to say the hell with and quit. i know if i did i would have more of my sanity back and be able to spend more time with friends but the duality is i would have no money. bottom line is i want a different job that pays good and is closer to home and can give me a good check every week. Other things i have wanted to discuss but havent had the time to- why has my typing became so horrible is it the laptop keyboard or whats the deal it seems like i have to hit back space every 4 or 5 words to correct somthing stupid. somthing else that i havee had on my mind since WW's spring break but havent said anything about is this movie i watched on IFC called all over a guy- basically the WOW server was down so i looked for somthing good to watch and i ended up landing on IFC. Basically the movie was about a gay couple that had their problems and it seemed to parpallel my life quite abit- no i'm not saying i'm gay but that aside the thing that parpalled my own existance is one of the main characters did not know what he wanted from his romantic life. I feel the same- not only do i not have time to discover what i want i also am not exactly sure where to begin so thats what i have been currently focusing alot of my mental energy on. I have some ideas but then again there lies the issue with no time to put anything into play. And for those of you who would say "you have your whole life ahead of you" (directed at one particular person and he knows who he is) i questiion isnt that just a scapegoat to in a sence to bag the question? but reguardless next topic: my mother is being more annoying the ever: first off all she makes the comment "todd is the smartest person i have had in the house", when i asked her to justify this she said because he never talked......arg i wish she would just move back to hawaii, or colorado, or anywhere other then here. in additiion to the fact she is a hypocrit in the whole issue of sex- liberal about everything but that, yeah she got knocked up at 17 but that was when free love and make love not war ruled the earth as opposed to safe sex and AIDS epademic of today. i would like to find the sluttiest girl out there and tell my mother she is my gf out of spite or even a boy but i doubt she has the mental capassity to get it. But reguardless this is a good segway into my next subject: afew weeks ago i was listning to Dr. Milt Rosenberg on the radio and the topic was human nurology but reguardless it got me to thinking that there really havent been any good studies on human sexuality in terms of nurology so i have started doing research in that and i am goiing to try and write a papter on it in time. The last thing i wanted to talk about was recently i see andera's jcs friends have basically backstabbed her becaus she is judgmental. this is more of a clarification what is the difference being judgmental (like andera alledgedly is) and being able to read people easily and find their weaknesses, like i did with jon and daddy thats it for now will post again when i have more to write about.

PS- Paul how was the 30 seconds of glory?

posting time

2005-04-14T01:06:00.000-07:00

ok theres been alot of stuff i have wanted to comment on but most of it i have forgotten so i'll just go with the stuff i can remember
1. paul's wedding- not going end of story: need money more then i need to watch two people get married, but paul when i get a chance i have the electronic nipple clamps as promised
2. Andera- it seems you are putting all of the blame of your relationship goiing to hell on james which just isnt true considering when you came back for spring break you felt fine and when you went to see your older sister you were back to being dead inside. also your logic seems irrational such as since james "cheated in the game" that means he will sleep around you and i know thats bogus- but its your affairs not mine.
3. James- check your WOW mail there is a clarification in there.
4. just frustated at everything lately- no time for anything, trying to figure out a way to reclaim my sanity but not sure how.
theres more but i cant go on good night

2005-04-02T03:49:00.000-08:00

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!
i just needed to say that because it is warrented on so many lvls for so many more reasons.
like hitting a corsp in the head with a silver hammer for instance

update

2005-03-30T00:30:00.000-08:00

OK let me be direct in saying i want to do a longer post and when i have the free time i will but quickly things i need to comment on-
1. for the remainder of this week and dunno about next i work 10 hours a day
2. whytey is an asshole: i call him at midnight asking if he wants to hang out, he says he is drinking and invites me to join, i ask if i can crash there and he says no....fucking asshole agreeded to do it friday but everyone knows thats not going to happen
3. side note to that it sucks having virtually no friends that actually like to go out and drink or if they do they dont do it because of what their boyfriends might say **points to andera**in addition are not alcholics
4. the people i work with seem worse by the day without goinig into great detale (because i'll do that when i have more time) Marx was not only onto somthing with the differentination of class structure but he did not nearly go far enough in differentinating the two classes....you know what i probally should go to sleep but fuck it i need to rant about this more. Im I out of touch by thinking the following things because these points because these are all points that have been brought up in work some time or other (mostly within the past month just to give a general frame of refrence): A. its bad to get more then 3 DUIs, and not only still drive w/o a liscense but continue to drive drunk with out one B. dropping out of HS shortly after you turn 18 to make slightly more then minimum wage C. denouncing abortion while at the same time having unprotected sex with multipal partners D. refusing to take birth control for no reason E. if getting impregnating one of the partners or becoming impregnated saying abortion is out, adoption isnt a very good option so lets keep the child F. assuming its the governments responsability to help support their life even though the government had nothing to do with it G. use any government aid such as wellfair or food stamps to buy alchol or other drugs H. having the majority of your friends and acquaintces being addicted to an illegal substance namely crack I. saying its no big deal they're addicted because everyone goes through "that phase" J. being endonctornated to think if one works harder at a job of that nature will make some how earn them more money K. sacraficing unpaid personal time at a job that pays wages L. having the idology that that job is one of the best jobs out there M. thinking a "good" attainable job is a rock star or professional athleat N. assuming your co worker is a "fucking dumbass fucking motherfucker" because he asks about metaphysical ideals rather then the march MADNESS (dont know what that stands for exactly but whatever) O. showering on a bi weekly basis is normal P. not knowing what a ruble is much less its value to the dollar Q. saying inviesting money is the dumbest thing one can do with it because your're just going to die anyways R. not eating every day is normal S. not drinking every day is abnormal T. thinking typing is only for administrative assisstants U. thinking women's job should be in the house cleaning, cooking, taking care of the children, and screwing her man while he brings a whole 6.90/hour V. having your wife do the same job as you and still expect the same from her W. going to get fresh meat means going in your back yard and killing a chicken X. assuming your supervisor is in the position he is in because he does your job better then you Y. hating someone because they're skin is a different color isnt racist but complaining that someone cant speak english is Z. interviewing you are highly under qualified for and recieving a job you are grossly over qualified for.
well that about wraps up what i wanted to write in an essay in 26 simple things i find wrong with my job i'm sure i could think of more but I'm not sure if i'm spelling any of this right much less speaking cogmoherently
5. within 2 semesters i am going back to school, away from the midwest dosent have to be hawaii, i would be happy with CALI or NYC, i'm just tired of small town moralistic hick trailer trash and i'm not goiing to put up with it anymore
6. everyone has been bitching about the schaivo case and saying oh its so sad crap.....whats sad is somoene hasnt taken a 44 magnum and blown her brains out.
7. lastly in future posts i have been doing some thinkning about why i was sucidial for so long and i have came up with with some interesting conclusions but i'm too pissed off from work so i will write about work now and that later

Paul

2005-03-20T22:55:00.000-08:00

OK everything in this post is going to be in reguards to paul so since I don’t have a lot of time lets go down the list one at a time of things that need to be discussed:

the ushering thing for starters: I don’t know whether I should have been honored or insulted that you chose me as a last resort since everyone else canceled on you but that’s not the point anymore. Now the point is you basically invited me to be your usher and then decided I wasn’t good enough or something and uninvited me, because of two couples in love bullshit. Whatever I really don’t care its just fucking rude, inconsiderate, and low class to invite me to do something then casually uninvited me because of whatever dumbass reason. It really doesn't matter because I am going to be working then anyways- and don’t say I'm bitching for nothing because I was contemplating quitting my job for the occasion. And as for why I didn’t comment before now- usually weddings are a serious affair and I thought something of that caliber should be discussed in person- not that it matters now.
as for the you never calling thing guess what when I wrote that you called James saying “what’s Ralph’s problem with me” because the two of us are the same person, and he really knows what’s going through my head at all times. In fact you never called me about it at all rather you sent me a series of text msges saying some crap like “I call everyone and no one cares why should you be any different” Yes you call everyone because you have called me (excluding last night) since September that’s why I ranted then about you never calling and now. So you get on the being a bad friend kick and apologizing for it- but never doing anything about it, to feel sincerely regretful one takes actions to change their behavior- not perpetuate it.
With respect to last night it seems to be a series of miscommunications: everyone got screwed last night, I thought I said I was going to call you when we got to the bowling alley but I don’t remember now.
In regards to next weekend Sun. 12:15 AM inviting you to forum or webs (forum has better food and waiters), also inviting you to MPC between 8:00 ish and 9:00 ish) I will call you to let you know on sat.
if you want to get a hold of me during the week best way is through tmail or through WOW can take phone calls between 2:30 and 3:20, 9:30 and 9:55 and midnight-3AM
I cannot speak for others but the reason I haven’t responded to your bachelor’s party is on my last check I took home 276$ for the entire week, about 50 went to gas, another 30 went to food and the rest I have to save. In short I cant afford that type of bachelor party- if you wanna get a case of whiskey, and a few strippers maybe it would be more affordable. But if anyone is willing to drive the long painful grueling 20 mns (sarcasm) I would still be interested in hosting a LAN party.

Extra time

2005-03-11T01:41:00.000-08:00

Well the server crashed afew mns ago and i'm not quite tired so i'm not sure how far this post is going to go so take what you will ignore the rest. So today at work i really noticed the significant difference in social class i have with alot of my co workers. For instance the only person i know that has ever tried crack before is slutty as opposed to my adam whose a good 85% of his friends have ether done it, currently addicted or formerly addicted to it- not sure if this is class really since there are drug problems everywhere in society. one thing that i do know is a class difference is how we feel the government should help others. right now i'm going under the logic: the government didnt knock up girl x 5 times (yes the person we were talking about has 5 different kids from 5 different guys) why should the government (our tax dollars) be forced to pay for their screw up. at which point he began to tell me how it takes a village to raise a child but the seccond i bring up abortion the idology "they made teh mistake they should be responsible enough to deal with it" it seems like alot of the prolatariet class wants to exist in an economicly liberal social conservative enviroment based off of that and most fundimentalist conservatives want dule conservativeism, i just wonder how much longer its goiing to take people to realize the way to fixing this country is by having liberal social, conservative economic issues......if you get pregnet to recieve another wellfair check your next pregnancy should have a one way trip to the planned parenthood clinic.
next issue i need to rant about: so the other day jehovias witness came to my door again wanting to speak to me since i am the one who engaged them in a way that was niether agreeing, nor negative nor submissive....maybe condisending is the key word...but reguardless of that tonight on milton rosenberg they were talking about this "religion" and its beliefs in blood basically long story short they refuse to get blood transfussions for some holy bullshit reason, some kid died because of it and people are pissed in CA i think.....i say if they dont want to give their children (who have been in accidents) blood, they should have to watch their children (with their eyes open in a clockwork orange style apparatis) bleed to death and see who long they decide to say modern medicne is the devils tool but i'm really tired and i'm really pissed so maybe nothing i said makes sence other then the server is down but reguardless i'm going to bed

wow

2005-03-07T23:47:00.000-08:00

so i got to work today and everyone was being kinda quite so after asking afew people i discover that someone i worked with died from a car wreck. The story behind it is this: this guy at work got his girlfriend hired on the company, on friday she called in "sick" and long story short she was cheating on her bf that night, went home drunk and got killed....most people would feel sorry- i say she got what she diserved.....well given what a preppy snot nosed brat she was maybe being a druling vegitable would have been better not entirely sure of that one yet

Revolations

2005-03-03T01:48:00.000-08:00

If you are looking at the timestamp before reading this: no i am not getting ready to kill myself, quite the opposite i just have new working hours and i can stay up later because of it. on that note let me address verious persons in the order which i think of them Paul: contacting each other seems to be a challenge and i think its more that we have conflicting scheduals then anything else, hopefully that will change but who knows, sorry i cant do your bachlor party primarily due to lack of interest in what you are doing partially to money i need to allocate to other sources: however if you want to have your lan party here i could host it for you free of charge and unlike milwaukee pc it would NOT have to end at midnight. Jason: i'm assuming you never took the time to read my last post (or any others for that matter) so i am chalking it up to you just need to grow up alot, i'm sure college is helping with that but you have a very long way to go. Andera: I'm sure i misunderstood what you said, happens some times. Andera's mother: if you want to post somthing on my blog feel free to, unless the thing where only certain people can post and i will try to disable it again (damn blogger but still better then lj)
Now getting on to what i was saying before tonight i hung out with whytey which was cool he brought the girl he was hooking up with at this day of the week which would normally make me depressed however it didnt and while i was driving home i began to think about a number of things including that a year ago i was with beth and i was happier but thinking about it i'm not sure if i would classify it as happyness exactly as much as i would contentment. I also realized that killing myself wont make me happy, nor depressed, nor content it would make me nothing (and yes i know the cynics out there will say "i have told you that a thousand times" but some things, this one of them you can be told time and time again but if you dont realize it on your own under your own terms it dosent matter ie self realization) so at this point in time i dont think i am going to kill myself, not because i am scared of death, or pain or whose feelings it will hurt but more because its not what i want. realizing that the world is a highly dynamic system is what i am considering one of my first steps to sanity. the next is becoming a dynamic individual and not to remain static- that was jame's problem with aj and is/was my problem with life. so i suppose these are all steps in the right direction. As far as the relationship thing goes andera made one point that i have been turning over in my head ever since and that namely is anything worth your time and effort is worth working for (somthing like that at least) the part that caught my mind was "working for". I am still theorizing this so my ideas are not fully complete. However what i have so far is this: work implies an acquired skill which this obvioulsy is that i knew, however looking more into this concept it also implese some sort of training which needless to say also implies pratice. But if one looks more indepth into work implicitally one must know not only how to perform the work but they must also know what spacifics are involved. Or simpally put doing the work is step 2, knowing what the work is step one, not sure where i fall in this probally between 1 and 1.5. i'm sure some of you are relieved that i'm not on the virge of killing myself, others dissapointed: personally i am just left with many questiions and few answers

last night

2005-02-17T01:06:00.000-08:00

Ok I should have posted this last night but I didn’t so I suppose better late then never. So last night I was playing WOW and decided to log off early so I could have some time to surf the net, no big deal right but for some strange reason while I was checking my e-mail I became incredibly depressed and stated crying uncontrollably (and no for what ever its worth I didn’t receive any e-mail that would prompt that (although after getting 1 million spam mails about penis enlargement, maybe another million and a reason to get it I’ll reconsider)) but getting back to my point so when I usually get depressed I just turned to my trusty knife and cut myself only I think I went a little too deep because when I cut in a gush of blood splattered on my computer and I began to bleed profusely, at that point I really didn’t care I just wiped up what I saw and went to bed when I was laying in bed I could still feel my arm bleeding and I seriously contemplated coming down stairs to write a goodbye message but I was getting too dizzy to move so I thought if I lived I would write this and here I am writing it, I am assuming it just coagulated some time shortly after I passed out and I woke up with a bloody gauze the next morning. All day today I have fealt really down, again for no real reason. But anyways I am writing this to clarify a few things one big one is if and when I do kill myself what the reason is. There is no big thing: no one broke up with me (recently) I think I'm over Beth and I know I am over slutty and I would like to move on with my life. So yes Andera when you said something to the effect ‘oh, I'm single, no one will screw me so I'm going to kill myself’ was wrong, but I’ll go more into that later. The problem is I really don’t know how to do that the fact still remains most of the day I work 9 hours of actual work plus an hour and a half of drive time so that’s 10 and a half hours out of 24, leaving me with 13.5 hours. Sleeping is also a necessity so lets say 8 hours, just because that’s the standard recommended by doctors, now we’re down to no we’re down to 5.5 hours a day considering the hours I am free would be midnight till 2:30 the next day (excluding sleeping and driving) those times are horrible to say the best. Definitely not the best hours to meet people, and I am not only referring to the romantic sense- I also mean meeting new people in general. If we want to include weekends I have Saturday from 3PM on till whenever on Sunday. Which leaves me between one day at most to hang out with my friends; James and Andera- I explicitly mention their names only because I cant think of any other people who actually go out of their way to contact me. In fact let me look at my cell to see who takes time out of their day to contact me: (incoming calls from my cell time stamped from December 31^st and going forward: slutty, Eric, stevemotherfucker (returning my call), slutty, Andera, Stewart, house, slutty, whytey, James. Two names did not come up on that list that really should have: namely Paul and Jason. If ether of you read this site I have a few direct questions for you: 1. are we friends or am I just someone who follows James around on occasion 2. if we are friends why do neither of you take time out of your day to call me and don’t give me that too busy bullshit because I know both of you called James tonight. So if we are friends why don’t you give me the time of day, and if not why have you mislead me. Simple easy questions that I would appreciate a simple and easy answer to. Whytey and Eric: we are both busy but I thank you for contacting me. Slutty, I'm not going to bail you out of jail so call me when you don’t want something from me. As long as I'm on the offensive here I might as well take care of it all at once. Andera ever since we had our argument in Arlington HTS it seems that you have been really distant and not all that interested in hanging out unless James is around too, is there any accuracy to that or am I just seeing things that are not there. It seems that the only person’s opinion you care about anymore is James’s I mean don’t get me wrong I'm glad you two are getting closer but it seems that our friendship is turning into my friendship with James and Andera. I also say this because along time ago when I went to you for advise it was thoughtful and meaningful and now it just seems to be ‘you have no right to feel bad because I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years and moved on’ or ‘we all are lonely so shut up’ I am sure this isn’t what you meant but its what I got out of it. I'm sure you are going to be pissed off by this but right now I feel like I am on the brink of insanity and I need to say what I can while I can still put remotely cognitive sentences together. So now that I have lost all of my few few friends I might as well finish piecing together why I think my breakdown happened and depression has been incurring: living at home- I come home to a house with my mother and a cat and the cat is cared for more then I am, ignoring these facts I finally discovered my mother’s intentions is for me is to follow her footsteps in that I should live at home until I get married (so for her that was 33) but needless to say whatever happens with the apartment I will NOT be doing that, and if I am at home it will be in an glass jar or better yet a Ralph’s coffee can. One last thing I thought of is in regards to work- I do not mind the work I am doing however my coworkers are all morons purely and simply morons- one guy says Paul is satanic because he is Goth, or the deer nuts guy ehhhh. Inner related to that is the fact I am not in school- don’t get me wrong I want to be in school but I know if I continued in Whitewater I would have killed myself or been in a padded room some time ago, there’s no need going into why UWW is a bad school for me, if you go there and you like it: good for you, I hated it with a passion period. So I suppose it comes down to no time for friends I have, no time to make new friends, no time for any sort of romance, home life sucks balls, and I work with idiots. And I want to be in school but because stupid is a cheep bastard. So in the event what I am about to write falls through the ground and I do end up killing myself I hope no one (at least no one who reads this is shocked or didn’t see any warning signs because they’re right here in plain English, you don’t know how to see a cry for help that’s your problem not mine. And now the reason I didn’t come right home and finish what I started last night: solutions since at work I have time to think: lots and lots of time to think I came up with a few solutions. First and foremost actually try to get some professional counseling after my health insurance kicks in which should be in April or May and possibly start taking some sort of anti depressant medication, considering the alternative both I think would help. Find some way to move back to Whitewater so if not have more time to meet more people at least have time to sped time with the friends I have. After I am past my probationary period in Generac set up a realistic plan for going back to college, if not Hawaii far away from the Midwest. But I think the two big things are starting counseling and getting out of my parents house. Well 1 hour and 2 pages later I think I am done with my longwinded rant I suppose in comparison I feel better then I did when I started writing and significantly better then I did 24 hours ago because now I have no real interest in dieing or killing myself so that’s a plus. Lemme know what you think

2005-02-16T01:38:00.000-08:00

those who find the truth they want are contented by it
those who find different are destroyed by it
the moral of the story ignorance is bliss

plan 2.0

2005-02-13T20:20:00.000-08:00

OK let me address 2 things from the previous post first off in reguards to the cutting thing it was more masochistic at one point however in the recent weeks or months that has shifted. secondly James i will conciede you are half right about the shallow bitch part- yes it is shallow but a relationship dosent start at the point of love it starts at infatuation and can ether evolve into love or dematerialize or anything in between- but independeants is a stepping stone. now with that out of the way i would like to introduce my newest theory: Andera since your parents will pay for your section of the apartment reguardless how about you get an apartment by yourself or better yet with a roommate so it would give me one more resource of a person (for ethere dating or female friend, both would be useful in my case) because lets be honest with each other theres no way in hell james would let you move in with some random guy. While at the same time James and I get an apartment togeather in the same complex so the two of you are close for your fucking, and the 3 of us are close for our gaming, in addition that way that way everyone is happy. waiting for feedback.

ALL WORK and no play makes jack a dull boy

2005-02-07T23:42:00.000-08:00

still working 60 hrs a week well technically 55 but you figure between 40 and 45 mns drive time each way figure more then 60 hours a week so little time to post. right now i'm at lvl 31 on WOW, almost done with duskwood....i thinnk. other then that one more of my friends is no longer single whytey so my arm and legs are looking nice and cut....i think for valenteins day i will do a nice heart somewhere so evereyone will have somthing nice for the made up holiday. i have been talking to alot of people about my cutting thing and they all say the same thing: stop- dont give me any ideas how to or suggestions, just the most generic thing in the world. if i wanted generic advise like that i would go to the cat. oh the still single thing since i work all that i do (not having time to do anything but work, sleep, and gaming a little i am going to try the HoN again but under my own terms, so if andera will scan one photo of me i'll go from there. On the same note still would like to get an apt over the summer the only hold up is james really having issues with andera and i getting an apt...hell i would prefer the 3 of us but why leave the security of home when you dont mind it that much...i'm not making that big of a deal about it yet because theres still affew months left before need to seriiously start talking to the apt people but it seems that james is being hypocrtical by saying he would do anything he could to help me and then dissaproving of me living with andera (told him this and give him afew days to think about it before i bring it up again): i realize the two of them are dating but the facts are i need a place to get out of this house before i loose my sanity and my car (80 miles a day cannot be good on a car that has 181k mi already) and i really cant think of anyone i trust enough other then those two that need to be in the ww area- (given my past experence with roommates of meathead and druggy alex) but who knows maybe by then i will be downsized or fired and the entier point will be lost. my office was finally painted in total so now i just have to get the carpetting out, get the oriental rug and the desk in and my office will be virtually done next step after that B&O mmm i can smell it now. thats all i can think of at the moment....post again when have more free time

light

2005-01-27T01:07:00.000-08:00

well i see a small light and its ether a ray of sunlight or a train, not sure which now

dreams are becoming stranger: me buying a 350Z, andera being pregnet with jason's children and whytey being tortured by vikings....should be interestiing what tonight briings

ITS A NEW POST!!!

2005-01-08T01:53:00.000-08:00

Thats right I have finally found the time to make a new post: between my obligation (work) and my obsession (world of warcraft) i have been able to make time for little else. So lets start as far back as significant things occoured: Christmas sucked ass, or should i say sucked shit, after playing WOW till 5 AM my mother woke me up on the xmas morning (8:30)to say "the cat crapped her pants" now not being the most cohearent at this poiint in time i still managed to put togeather the realization that cats do NOT wear pants. after attempting to ignore this my mother came back 15 mns later only to tell me i had to hold down the cat while she cut the crap out of its fur- that was real fun, espically the smell: take your average cat box, multiply the smell times 100 and that was about what i got to experence. The best part though is my day kept on goinig down from there: after that i completely forgot my computer at home because i was half asleep when we left for my grandmother's house- not being able to sleep hardly at all iin the car because stupid had some stupid football game on i was expecting to be able to have a nice xmas dinner and take a long nap but once again i got fucked in the ass (and not in that nice way but we'll get to that later). we go to my uncles and have the "dinner" there. Now i dont know about the majority of 1st world nations but i am accustom to having a formal holiday dinner with a decent meal, once again didnt happen: our meal consisted of turkey, very very dry turkey, potato chips sprawlmart brand, why bother going for luxuarys like name brand chips, and a pasta dish that was cold and stuck togeather badly, and come to think of it thats it other then drinks (choices were unsuitened ice tea, dite rite products (again top quality shit) and coffee- i oppted for luke warm tap water). as for my uncle's place basiclaly no one spoke to me, or my mother, or stupid unless we addressed them so it was very warm and welcoming. Now its time for presents i got my mother a bottle of creed perfume (150$) a bottle and ordered stupid a burberry golf glove. waiting on what they got me, my mother said "didnt know what to buy me" which is understandable because i am a hard person to shop for. stupid said he got me breaks for my car and a new radiator which pisses the fuck out of me because he agreeded to pay for the expenses for the car, and he just didnt want to take the time or the money to do anything- it took me a total of 15 mns to get on the phone to nm to cancel his gift the next day. then there was afew days where nothing of signfiicance happened. and finally it was new years: and i was provided with 3 choices: ether A. goto paul's party which would basically be a couples party which unfortuniately includs jon and laura: i have no real issues with laura other then the fact she is one of the dumbest people on the face of the earth, and jon lets be honest with each other he never hated me untill i ripped on his obseasion with sports. but Jon in the extremely unlikelyhood you do read this i'll make you a deal: when laura finally realizes what an overprotective, chovanist male pig you are and dumps your sorry ass i'll buy you the anti freeze. so needless to say i did not attand paul's party. The next option was andera's: which the only reason i was invited was out of sympathy, at least initally because look at the facts when andera says for quite along time every new years her and her sisters and their boyfriends get togeather and hang out then all of a sudden i am invited the pathetic loser who cant (or more accurately dosent have the time) to get a girlfriend am invited if that dosent seem like an invite of sympathy i have no idea what does, esp. considering eric agreeded with me on that. however after learning there were going ot be a significant number of people there i opted to go and it was ok- even though the people i knew were few and far between and the girls that were there were taken (which always make me feel warm and gooie inside)- but all and all it wasnt too bad. the 3rd option was goto vegas or sanfran but since the cheepest plane tickets were over 600 i decided to go aganist that one. and that brings us upto working. I dont mind working, i really dont however when going between WW and burlington is 45 mns each way it becomes a little more then tedious which is why andera i hope you are still considering the apt thing over the summer. but the worst part of everything is because of the added commute time i no longer have contact with any of my friends for the most part: when i have to leave at 1:30 (max) to be there on time (piss time included in that) and get home between 12:50 and 1:15 most of the people i know are offline and sleeping in bed- however i will give andera credit for being on the wow server quite abit. But the part of all of this that has the deepest longterm impact on everything is i am slowly (or quickly depending on the day) loosing the will to live. its getting to the point where i'm thinking to myself not how much longer will i be at this, as much as it is how much longer till i cant take it anymore and end it all. on that note i'm going to try the wow server again (was down) and goto bed

will try to update more often

work

2004-12-14T17:38:00.000-08:00

well for the few of you who do not know yet i now work full time at generac: the hours are as of now 6 AM till 2:30 and as of jan. 3rd they goto 2:30 (or 3:30) till midnight that pays more money which will be nice. although my mexican trainer apparently dosent know english the best because apparently all trainers were told to let their trainees work by themselves after the lunch hour however she confused that with before the lunch hour. so i was getting my ass kicked- oh well time to go see of wcoc is working....i would post the war stats but no one really cares and since there are only 2 or 3 people who read this i suppose it wont do any good anyways

glory in the defete of others

2004-12-12T18:23:00.000-08:00

finally after all this time you are getting what you diserve i fucking hate you for the shit you did to me and it would give me no more pleasure then to watch your death, however that it a close second to know you are alone, suffering, and kliinging to life by hope that is quickly fadeing. it makes the depression, the attempts of suicide, the crying, and everything else worth wild just to see you in this agony. i only hope that the remainder of your days are the most misrible, horrible, and painful ones you will ever have. also when i know for a fact you are dead i will be making a clame to your estate in order to reenburse the money you unjustly stole from me. i only wish i was there to taste your tears and to drive salt in to the cuts on your wrists....maybe i'm getting a little ahead of myself on the last one but i can fantasize

as of 12/12/04 8:37
$149,782,000,000
19,838,689 children
89,689,890 children
2,595,742 teachers
7,261,109 students
1,348,648 houses
6 years years
14 years years
49 years years

Pantera

2004-12-09T18:41:00.000-08:00

well the guitar player for panterra was killed the other day- i heard him in concert at ozzfest which was cool along with the lead singer Phil somthing or other. it kinda suks that he is dead but i suppose he has been dead to me since pantera broke up. purging didnt go as well as yesterday but thats probally because i had to drive home right after eating dinner and have the proper chance to- if i really tried hard i'm sure i could get some out but i dont feel like buring my throat- maybe tomorrw.

$149,289,100,000
19,773,390 children
89,394,685 children
2,587,200 teachers
7,237,212 students
1,344,210 houses
6 years
14 years
49 years

binge purge binge purge

2004-12-09T01:59:00.000-08:00

thats right a great thing has happened- i am finally developing the early stages of bulima. i'm sure this is going to sound shocking to alot of people but i wanted this for quite awhile, since most everyone are shallow cunts as andera pointed out in our conversation last night and are only concerned with physica appearence. i attepted to diet but failed, attempted exercize but was unsuccessful, so i am attempting some more unconventional methods. i have been contomplating this for awhile and have been starting slow with just attempting to caugh whatever i eat and that has been working well- i havent started using any diuretics or laxaitves yet but i this contiue to goes as well as it has i may start that in afew weeks or so. i made the final decission when i realized that eating filled am emotional void in my life- namely the void that was not there when i was with someone. so this will make me healthier by loosing weight in addition when i loose weight i will have a greater chance of not being alone (YEAY). is this a last ditch effort caused by desperation: no that will come if this failes (i'll give it till may to see what results there are) and i go to drug dealers to buy coke and speed and even then if that dosent work i'll have some sort of insurance and i'll just get surgrary. is it conformist: i want to say no only because a conformist would do somthing more like continue to try conventional ideas of dite and exercize and would be "thinking thin" (little requiem for a dream refrence for the few of you have seen it). But is it one more step closer to the brink of insanity: you bet your sweet ass it is but better taking one step now then 3 later. and if anyone has an eating disorder, reads this and gets offended- tough shit you try goiong to Dolce & Gobbana only to discover nothinig comes in your size. if you wanna help lemme know some of the things you did to maintain you disorders because everyone knows i am a lazy bastard and unless i see results nothing will come of this. also to help out i got a full time job at generac today: the first day of training starts on monday, and i know working full time i will not eat as much because i will be working 40+ hours a week and will not have the time. also with this since i will be working in ww i have decided to contomplate moving back to ww, assuming i can get an apt with ether andera (most likely), whytey (possible but doubtful), and or james (not a snowballs chance in hell). but reguardless all of the above will be good.

draft

2004-12-07T23:01:00.000-08:00

thats right people theres goinig to be another draft- dispite what bush 2 may have said no draft is no new taxes 2.0 consider these few things:
1. a document from the cia says the war will still be going on in 5 years
2. that same document says there will still be a military presence in 10 years
3. the government is beginning to greatly tighten the borders with canada in the interest of "national security" ie fewer canadians can come to the us and fewer americans can goto canada.
if thats not the sign of the gov trying to seal a loophole from vietnam i dont know what is. but they have overlooked one avenue completely. and those of you who voted for bush i say go to war, go die for your president and all the false promises he stands for and let me stay here to earn your money and condem the man who killed you

Change for the best

2004-12-06T15:29:00.000-08:00

OH my friends i was lead astray by the evil liberals but now i see the light, i see that only through ultra conservativeism will america go forward. Now here is my 4 step plan to make america go forward:
1. the complete and total privitization of all social security: why should we let the government mishandel our money and plan for our future when we can do it ourselves: if your're too dumb to invest yourself then you dont diserve to live long or go to a financial advisor and have them do it. with people like bush in power we cannot trust our futures on someone who think the plural of pigs is sheep. we can make more money ourselves then the government will ever make for us.
2. require proficancy in a financial education class in high school- i was shocked to discover the vast majority of high schools do not have an economics or investment classes. if we make them manditoary we will have a populus that knows what they are doing and will end up making more money.
3. require that everyone that makes over 1000$ a year establash an IRA. first 1000/year is not much money per year- spairing afew hundread (even 100, hell even 50) since there is no minimum investment in an IRA. If someone started working at age 16, invested the maximum every year they woul be able to retire by 50 worth millions.
4. make health care free and open to everyone with all the money used to subsdize social security as well as the 148 billion or so used for the campaing aganist US domination commonly known as the war on terror.
5. along with this make all colleges both public and private free to anyone who wishes to attend, education is one of the keys to advancement, coupled with privitization of social security these would go along way to eliminating the wealth gap that many of the prolotariets in society conviently ignore because they have their sports and their religion (argueabily one in the same) to fall back upon.
and for you social conservatives out there i have these two things for you to ponder: in reguards to abortion: one of the main reasos for abortion is financial instability: with my plan we woulnt need to make abortion illegal because more people would be wealthy and they would decide to keep the children. and as far as the whole gay marriage thing goes: marriage is a secular concept in and of itsself, the government adopted it for statistical reasons. the difference between a marriage and a civil union is a word. bearing this in mind i say ban not just gay marriage but abolish the enter marriage concept and leave it to secular institutions, let them decide who gets married and who dosent- espically since the constitution says there is a seperation from church and state. but you are fighting over symmantics- nothing more then ketcup or catsup- leave the sancity of marriage in the church were it belongs.
As far as the war on terror goes: stop supporting isreal and the terrorists will stop hating us: if they want to have a war with the jews good for them. dispite what the majority of civilized society thinks- just because we do not back isreal competely that does not make us anti semetic, nor does that make us Nazi's- it makes us keep our noses in our own business.
the last thing i would like to discuss as a conservaitve is the other driving issue of terrorism: that being the patrolium industary: if we declair a financial war aganist OPEC we will win the physical war on terrorism.
this probally isnt the conservativeism you were expecting but oh well fuck it

as of 12/6/04 at 7:20 PM
$148,785,000,000
19,706,623 children
89,092,845 children
2,578,463 teachers
7,212,774 students
1,33,670 houses
6 years
14 years
49 years

OOOHHHHH GOOD

2004-12-02T16:41:00.000-08:00

just two things: first due to a screw up in my company i am now getting double pay (yes that is 18$/hour) no complaints here on that one considering now i am with out any doubt making more money (per hour at least) then everyone i know (excluding brian who proball makes about 500$/hour) and afew otherse. next i got two more plates that i need for my office by driving to deer park. now tomorrow i have to goto highland park to get the last 3. oh well gets me out of the house. then bitch (mother(alternates depending on circumstances)) said if i want to replace the door knob in my office i have to replace everyone in the house even A. the brass is warn off of them all, B. none of them lock and C. they are all 30+ years old but i suppose she has a point in it looking abit strange- oh well have to see how many i would need to replace and how much it would cost if i can do it under 75$ i'll do it otherwise fuck it. thats like 5 or 6 knobs....time will tell

as of 12/2/04 6:57
$148,123,650,000
19,619,026 children
88,696,821 children
2,567,002 teachers
7,180,713 students
1,333,715 houses
6 years
14 years
49 years

THE END

2004-11-30T16:20:00.000-08:00

well if today taught me anything its that the last remaining thing of summer is gone namely ken jennings is gone and there was a blizard. i have commented on this before but here it goes again: i dont know if this summer was good or bad....no i am not going to live in the past i would rather kill myself then do that...worst part of all was i knew he was going to be gone at the beginning of the season
as of 11/30/04 6:27 PM
$147,790,700,000
19,574,930 children
88,500,000 children
2,561,232 teachers
7,164,573 students
1,330,717 houses
6 yeras
14 years
49 years

things i have learned

2004-11-30T02:43:00.000-08:00

First off right now it is 4:44 in the morning, stupid wakes up in 16 mns and will probally be complaining about how i am not sleeping, anyways i am not tired at all so this is kill some time to make me tired: things i have learned:
1. if you want anything done you have to do it yourself or you are forced to constantly hound or threaten them.
2. sleep is for the week and the old: not even being tired off of 6 hours of sleep the previous night and staying up till who knows when shows no one really needs sleep if they have nothing important to do.
3. this one isto andera who for some reason questions my hetrosexuality: ever since mayfair i have been analyzing why am i straight and not gay or bi and it comes down to this i purely and simpaly do not find men attractive, at all with some guys that are supposed to be "hot" to me it seems like evolution just left them behind and the male sex for that matter too. If one would prefer to analyze it from a eugenical perspective the top of the cranimum seems to dilate on average 15% more in males then females. so it seems illogical to assume i'm gay. the closest thing i would go for is metrosexual/goth/insane/nihilist....more the latter two then the former two
4. next time i play with battaries i plan on using somthing a hell of alot better then 18 gauge wire and have to read more about blowing up a car battary. hopefully my implaments of distruction will still be there on wed.
5. i should have a more then sufficent system for upgrading , wish i could win the lottary so i could get the quad processor 20K dream computer: where i can have one monitor running half life 2 the 2nd monitor running doom 3 and the 3rd running halo 2 (ignoring the fact halo2 is about as unpressive (not a typeo) as Unreal 2003.
but along with this computer thing its amazing how far technology has gone: i have had my hotmail account for a little over 9 years, i will have had my first computer (that was primarily my computer) for 10 years in june and now i'm dusting it off to give it a massive upgrade more for retro purpoises. and to get the look on jason's face when he sees i am running hl2 on a computer that looks like it by rites belongs in the smithsonian.
6. i am the only person in the world who has the balls to say what others think: the situation with jon: james and zach didnt have the balls to say what i did and screw the rest of the examples because they are all the same: no one has the balls to tell the truth.....i need my own television show combine opera with jerry springer and you have the RalPH show only i'm the one who does the yelling and every other show i have a heat attack.
7. (lastly) i have an exact date and time planned for the events discussed at KFC to occour unless i make them not happen (if you have no idea what i'm talking about- thats probally for the best if you do, you should know your ability to become practive is becoming more and more impotant as time goes on)
screw this time to take some drugs and watch aquateen

BOOKMARKS

2004-11-27T21:45:00.000-08:00

GODDAMNIT GODDAMNIT GODFUCKING DAMNIT I SOMEHOW HAVE LOST ALL OF MY FUCKING BOOKMARKS SON OF A FUCKING BITCH THIS FUCKING SUCKS WHO THE FUCK BACKS UP THEIR BOOKMARKS FUCK FUCK FUCKING SHIT FUCK WHEN I FIND OUT HOW THE FUCK THIS FUCKING HAPPENED I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL THE FUCKS RESOPNSIBLE NOW I DONT EVEN HAVE ANY LINKS TO GO FUCKING TO GODFUCKING DAMNIT!!!!!!!

Stupid's stupidity

2004-11-27T15:07:00.000-08:00

Ok for those of you who defend stupid (namely eric, but i am sure there are others) stupid just professed this beleif to me (in a manner that was not joking in any way shape or form): even though last week he had a cold and was caughing and sneezing then i some how gave him the cold completely ignoring the fact i didnt experence symptoms untill last night. "you gave your cold to me then you caught it again".....if you need any more evidence that this man is stupid perhaps you arnt the smartest person around.....

as of 11/27/04 5:13 PM
$147,288,300,000
19,508,390 children
88,196,632 children
2,552,525 teachers
7,140,219 students
1,326,194 homes
6 years
14 years
49 years

day after thanksgiving

2004-11-26T13:48:00.000-08:00

most people rite about thanksgiving, but personally i prefer the day after thanks giving because i get to return to my sanctuary of my office. the holiday itsself was.....ok on the bright side i was able to watch aquateen on my uncle's 75" screen television, on the bad side i had to be at my uncles, you see they are very catholic and by this i mean they had a 5 min. prayer before anyone could eat anything: and praying for the dumbest things ever like allowing the football team to win state, and that all of the microsopic bacteria from the turkey was killed, at least they had vodka so ralph was able to watch the room spin away. i saw my half sister for the first time since may and i have to say: she looks horrible: 1. her weight is upto 350 (thats right: i am 240ish and she is 350 ish) second she shaved her head bald- i just look at my life and no matter how pathetic my life is i always know its better then hers. but any who moving right along: on wed. i hung out at andera's house and it just further shows how screwed up my family is.....they actually have conversations with each other, thats amazing i will be so glad to get the hell out of here and have a life that is semi normal. the comb i bought yesterday is really nice, glad i bought it. damn this wireless keyboard is being annoying because some times for no reason it will act as if i hit a letter sixxxxxxxxx (that was the keyboard) or seven times on a single letter....wonder if the battaries are dieing or what, well off to lake geneva BTW james i called that place w/ the pants and they said they are having a large sail after xmas so i would say hold off till then...

as of 11/26/04 3:05 PM
$147,108,700,000
19,484,605 children
88,089,100 children
2,549,415 teachers
7,131,514 students
1,324,577 houses
6 years
14 years
49 years

(yes i'm going to keep these stats going till the war is over (costofwar.com))

fate of hl2

2004-11-22T21:31:00.000-08:00

well after going to bestbuy and finding out that my video card cant be upgade it took me about 30 seconds decide that i'm getting a new computer. however since the alienware and dell are both better then 8k i am going to have it built and since james volounteered he is going to be the architect behind it. assuming i can get everything under 1500$ it is going to be a pentium 4 extreme edition: 4.6 GHz, 1 gig of ram top of the line video card, already have the power supply, tower, and sound card so those are not issues. the beauty of this is i am telling my parents i am taking the intro to IT classes which involves building computers so my ww bill will be paid off entirely and i have the means to get this computer constructed over the break period. other then that andera was able to paint alot more of the room: FYI andera i think i am going to go with #1 and i was looking at what you painted on the celing and i think it would be best if you didnt touch up, allowing some bits of white to show through along with the gold textureing.....damn it sucks not having a desk, or a table or anything decent to work at.....right now i'm using an old type wrighter desk and its annoying as hell...

as of 11/22/04: 11:45 PM
$146,509,450,000
19,405,222 children
87,730,230 children
2,539,027 teachers
7,102,460 students
1,319,181 houses
6 years
14 years
48 years

this link is fucking awsome!!!!

2004-11-19T17:29:00.000-08:00

http://www.knife-party.net/flash/barry.html
go here, NOW most awsome link i have seen in awhile

anyways i was driving home today from delavan and a car tried passing me in double yellow so obviously i floored it but this time somthing different happened: rather then no cars being there there was a car in the other lane and the passing car had to slam on its breaks in order to avoid a head on collision: some people would think of this to be insane: i call it a stepping stone.

I was supposed to work this morning but i broke my brain so wasnt able to- rather it has to be sunday. andera first off i hope james told you about the change in plans, if not will tell you about htem or tlak to you later tonight or tomorrow. second i spent like 45 mns looking for the right driver and couldnt find it but will still look, will show both of you whats oging on with it tomorrow

as of 11/19/2004 7:38 Central

$145,987,555,000
19,336,100 children
87,417,725 children
2,5529,983 teachers
7,077,132 students
1,314,482 houses
6 years
14 years
48 years

new somthing time

2004-11-18T19:44:00.000-08:00

well i got hl2 and i have gotten to play a total of 47 seconds of it, apparently my video card isnt directx 9 compatable even though in my propteries it says directx 9 or higher enabled when fucking stem says i need a driver update and when i download the driver it gives it for a competely different card, as does the website: so what should i do: get a new motherboard with processor and all that crap for the laptop, get that along with a new harddrive for the desk top, a solution will be reached because by Jan. 1st the streets of city 17 will run red with blood or the streets of **pick your city** will.

In other news since it has been concluded by many a person that i dont update enough i will make attempts to do so on a daily basis

heres some fun readings enjoy
http://costofwar.com/ (time to track the CONgress
$145,839,666,000
19,316,519 children
87,329,188 children
2,527,420 teachers
7,069,991 students
1,313,150 houses
6 years
14 years
48 years

will they ever trust us again?

2004-11-11T21:31:00.000-08:00

OK now i'm not talking about my family but about the first asshole family. No not the bushes but thats a good guess, anotomically they are the first vaginular family. I'm talking abotu Colon and his group of assholes he calls his fmaily bearing the name of Powell. Colon's son was promoted to the head of the fcc in bush's first term in office (sadly enough not last). and since then the most constrictive policy has been implamented since the hays commission. I realize that we no longer see skirts taht must be at or below the patela however this is the first major step hypocritically backwards. And before you conservatives say somthing to the effect I dont want my children watching that filth on television think about this the RIAA under Powell's regime has censored numerious acts of gratiouitous sex, and numerious language loopholes however when in honor of veterians day ABC had the intentions of showing the world war 2 film Saving Private Ryan- when hearing this the FCC openly said if this occoured at the schedualed time they woudl levy fines of more then 3 billion dollars to affiliated stations. While at the same time on any evening news channel (including rebraodcasts on the PAX station) shows numerious dead bodies as well as other violence. So let me get this straight Mr. Asshole's son its ok to see Americans killing rag heads that are costing us billions of dollars but we cannot see americans killing krouts??? perhaps those who cannot see the hypocracy in this NEED A PAIR OF FUCKING GLASSES!!!!!

whats up wit that

2004-11-04T23:17:00.000-08:00

Hey paul i have noticed a little somthing for Mr. "I'm voting for bush only because he is pro choice" it seems like you have taken a strong likeing to bush all of a sudden....what happened did bush declar an executive order to reverse roe vs wade or you actually starting to like him or am i (and james and andera just missing somthing?

wow

2004-11-04T13:07:00.000-08:00

so much is going on with the electing and all cuns (conservatives) rubbing it in everyone's face and with stupidgirl and the chocolate thief......and all i want to do is get back to my drilling goddamnit!!!

A prozac Halloween

2004-10-31T15:19:00.000-08:00

Ohh goody another Halloween done…and another shitty one it was.. Where to begin, lets start out with the fact that I was surrounded by drunk people once again but I remained sober again. I am going to agree with Andera again, next time we go with friends, considering the following: First there were two groups Kelli’s group and my group or James’s or whomever wants to take credit for it. Second as we were walking through Madison the former group leading never even bothered to look back to see where we were but maybe once or twice. Third our input was never considered once, we walked all the way down state street (sober) full of drunken people to see a picture that kelli took that was displayed in a gallery that we have all already seen…big fucking deal, then we walked to the capital so the former group could lay down on the capital steps (full of urine I am sure). Then since I am the only one who has any balls of my group I finally said we want to go to a party at which point the first group discussed amongst them selves and decided go back to their house, where we could “party”. WHAT A FUCKING JOKE!!!! When I said I wanted to get drunk I was replied to there was alcohol back at Kelli's place however when we got to her place there was an empty rum bottle and a little Friday’s Mudslide….THAT IS NOT ALCOHOL!!!!!!!!!!!! And aside from that, the point was completely and totally missed- its like saying you have to drive to Milwaukee but your car is in Lacrosse and you’re in Burlington- if that makes no sense to you, that’s good. And if I just wanted to get drunk for shits and giggles (where the fuck is that from) ide have stayed at home or went to Whitewater. So we wasted our entire evening walking down a street with a bunch of crazy drunken people sober wasting our entire evening yet again. I can only say I am so glad I bought the unfiltered cigs and found a can of unopened beer because if those two things had not happened I probably would have ether had an aneurism or murdered someone. However that wasn’t the ku-de-grah- that came in two separate parts first Jason who made such a big fucking deal about our presence in Madison decided not even to show up himself and stayed back in Milwaukee and party so when I called him he was hung over and said I could come up to Milwaukee anytime and have a good time with him (however this is Jason so I’ll believe it when it comes true). BUT the real kick in the balls came when another person was suppose to party in Madison only to find out when we got there he was drunk already- and to later discover he had sex with some random person. At which point all of the bitterness, rage, disappointment and any other emotions culminated into one large depressive episode (which I am going through as I am writing this none the less). Like most of my depressive episodes my inner thigh was visited by Mr. Razor blade, however this didn’t deal with my depression so I decided to through rubbing alcohol in the equation and cut even deeper, again still didn’t justify my emotional pain so after trying gasoline, salt, lime juice while continuing to make my incision deeper I my trusty lighter, a piece of copper wire and made the wire as hot as the lighter could and cauterized the wound and finally I was feeling a little better but in addition it certainly didn’t (or did pick your word) hurt when candle wax was thrown in the mixture too. So yeah if you see me walking with a limp that’s why. If you haven’t guessed my mental health is quickly going to shit and no one gives a fuck, epically when I write a message that says “HELP ME LIVE OR HELP ME DIE” and the two people that caught it respond by saying “I saw your message.” Well good for you, what’s it worth living when no one gives a fuck if your alive or dead. Funny thinking about it, when Aaron killed himself there were apparently no signs, I cannot say decisively because I didn’t know him, and barely knew James at the time. So when there are signs are they ignored or is it simply a matter of my life being irrelevant. While I'm on this let me just say that had Aaron not of died Kelli would be about as close of friends to us as Troy’s brother, Chad is to us (by us I mean people like James, Andera, myself and so on). Last thing (at the moment) I can think of is while you’re reading this you probably merciful and let it be known mercy is a Christian concept I want to stay away from as much as I can, and as such I do not want pity. Which begs the question what is my goal, its quite simple, help me live my life or help me end it. Right now I am trying to live my life alone and its failing so I am sure its only going to be a matter of time on that and focus on ending it. And lastly if any of this offends you TOUGH SHIT!!!! If I gave a flying fuck and tried compromising my ideals for every self-righteous, fuck out there I’d probably be in a padded room, but it feels like I'm not far away from that regardless.

its been awhile

2004-10-27T22:28:00.000-07:00

Hello
Everyone, its been quite a
Longwhile since i have taken the time to make a
Post so i thought i would take this chance to do so. theres some new things but
Mostly the same old crap. Jon got
Engaged to his girlfriend or now fiancee
Laura...not sure what to think about any of this other then
Its fucked up, knowing slutty and i were dating longer then that, im contompating writing a
Viscious letter to jon about how he let all of his friendhsips die but who knows.
Everyone knows what a moron he is so i question if its worth it.
On the other hand doing somthing like that would be very
Ralphesque and cause much ammusment among many people. Hung out with Eric
Herz and James afew weeks ago which was rather fun. thinking about it
Everything he does amazes me, esp considering he seems to becoming much more openminded
Leaving behind what i woudl call pointless redundant illogical
Pieces of shit thinking, if only more could be like that, oh well
Maybe later, everyone has their own ideals and theoris, on the bright side it is said
Education is a big helper in reducing closemindedness. more importantly the
Development of my office is well underway, in process of repainting now
I need to do is move the furniture for the celing and get new furniture and i will be set. Well i'm
Ending this now before i start repeating myself...good night

ATHF

2004-10-17T21:14:00.000-07:00

WOW after seeing tonight's episode i'm not sure what to say..... you know i could really relate to that show, espically with the not being able to hold my crap in....although the real reason for this post is jason AKA Poncho I cant beleave you finally got a gig on adult swim much less ATHF. You know i can admit when i am wrong and i was wrong about jason: yeah i thought he was going to go to college for a little while, drop out and live off of his dads money which he would throw away and be poor and homeless. But now after seeing ATHF tonight I know deep down jason will be a great television personality....I'm sorry for ever having doubts in you Jason

Pants

2004-10-11T14:18:00.001-07:00

OK i'm getting fucking tired of this shit: i go to hot topic and find a cool pair of pleather pants or vinyl ones and they dont come in my size so i am giving this open invitation: if you can find a pair of pants similar to http://www.hottopic.com/store/product.asp?LS=0&ITEM=201862&RN=136 (yes i realize they are in women's sizes but ask if i care) or http://www.hottopic.com/store/product.asp?LS=0&ITEM=297242&RN=136 i will pay anything under $275...so if your're short on money here is a way to make some money for doing hardly anything at all.....good luck

Idiots need to die

2004-10-05T19:18:00.000-07:00

OK Everyone I was out driving tonight and I saw a “Bush” house- by this I mean a house that has several (3 or more) political flyers that support Bush. What pisses me off is this: there was a sign that said “Support Bush to Support Life” and below it was a picture of a baby, obviously saying that Bush is pro life. Great that makes sense (well as much as it can) that Bush is against abortion. But what pisses me off is there are also signs that say things like “Support the war in Iraq”. Am I the only person in the world who sees this is the biggest contradiction since “Honest Politicians” or “good republicans” roamed the Earth. If you support Bush only because he is Pro life that’s (at least to me) looks like the short term because abortion has been an issue in the news since before our grand parents were born and its still going to be an issue after our grand children die- a figure head of state is going to have a benign influence on the issue of abortion. But back to my point, are these people are saying it’s ok to kill people in the prime of their life who have been productive to society to some extent but intern its wrong to kill a clump of cells that hasn’t done anything to society and will most likely be a drain on it, I say this because statistics show people who have compensated abortion and decided to not go through with it, their off spring has became part of poverty and more likely to use drugs and more likely to end up in prison for violent crimes. I said it in Milwaukee and I’ll say it again: conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers. (BTW for those of you who are looking for a challenge I have intentionally excluded one key element in my paragraph, can you come with a counter point?)

fucked up day

2004-10-03T20:39:00.000-07:00

Today probably ranks on my top 10 of fucked up days. OK I didn’t get home until like 3:00 AM from hanging out with James and Paul, but I had to wake up at 8:00AM to get ready for work. After arriving at work I'm not feeling like standing around handing out information on a fan air freshener so I get my forms that I need to filled out and leave (in effect getting paid for a 6 hour shift in 15 minutes). Basically I went to a lot of my Illinois places I like to go to: the car wash, Saks, Nordstrom, and Woodfield. After this I decide I want to go to Neiman Marcus to kill some more time before I have to go home (mind you parents know nothing about this) but while crossing Milwaukee Avenue I decide to go to Abt Electronics everything was fun and all and everything considered I had a really good day but the fucked up part is tonight I cut myself and am really depressed, for no fucking reason. This is making me angry, or depressed or both- right now I'm not sure but I suppose its relevance is nonexistent- so the moral of the story is what the fuck. Other then that not much of interest is going on- OH BTW Andrea when you’re online message me I have a proposal for you.

2004-09-27T21:34:00.000-07:00

who would have thought Elzar could cause depression

birthday

2004-09-26T16:02:00.000-07:00

well its another birthday spent alone, oh joy of joys. at least james and andera rembered (unlike the rest of the universe) went to chicago on the 25th and spent some money, got a scarf from Barnies rather then the Loro Piana because it saved me $510 found a diamond i wanted to buy in cartier but was in a setting and totalled $480,000 plus tax so maybe later. Stopped at bang and olufsen and i think i know what computer speakers i'm going to get when i get everything remodeled. Ate at Magnums which honstally i am glad we did over Basil Thai since Magnums is a 3 star place and i hav beeen to the thai place before. Got the Creed Body wash, which i have been waiting for plus a shit load of cookies. other then that...i love driving in down town esp when i cut across 6 lanes of traffic. so happy birthday to me happ.....ah screw it

live through film

2004-09-23T20:45:00.000-07:00

my life: Fight Club
my life as i want it to be: Crash
my life as it will be: Leaving Las Vegas

I know this post is weak, weak as hell.

have not posed in awhile so though should show people i am still alive for the time being. not much else to say other then dissapointments on all fronts

Quotes

2004-09-12T20:24:00.000-07:00

I was board going through my Bartlets and i foudn some fun quotes...have fun

Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed; those who are cold and are not clothed- President Dwight D.Eisenhower, April 16, 1953

I do not find in our particular superstition of Christianity one redeeming feature.....Millions of innocent men, women and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burned, tortured, fined and imprisoned. What has been the effect of this coercion?To make half the world fools and half hypocrites; to support roguery and error all over the world.- Thomas Jefferson

Japan was already defeated ... dropping the bomb was completely unnecessary. I thought that our country should avoid shocking world opinion by the use of a weapon whose employment was no longer necessary to save American lives- General Dwight D.Eisenhower, Supreme Allied Commander, Europe, and later US President.

Who accepted the Grand Cross of the German Eagle - the highest medal that Nazi Germany could bestow on foreigners - in July 1938, four months after the German annexation of Austria ?- Henry Ford. (The following month a senior executive of General Motors, James Mooney, received a similar medal for his "distinguished services to the Reich".)

With reference to Tiger Woods' first Golf Masters win, who said there'll be a spectacular increase in the number of black boys (and I do mean boys - teenagers) who begin to infest the public courses in America ?- Alistair Cooke in his BBC Letter from America, May 2, 1997

Who presented Chairman Mao Tse Tung with a bouquet of poems that lavishly praised the Chinese leader as the timely rain to nourish the land ?- The Dalai Lama, on his first meeting with Mao in Beijing (then Peking) in 1954

Who blocked the marriage of his son and disowned him, commenting How can I, who has always advocated renunciation of sex, encourage you to gratify it ?
(The son subsequently became a homeless alcoholic.)- Mahatma Gandhi, dealing with his son Harilal.

Which founding father said of the proposed American Constitution This is likely to be administered for a course of years and then end in despotism ... when the people shall become so corrupted as to need despotic government, being incapable of any other ?- Benjamin Franklin in a speech to delegates to the US Constitutional Convention prior to the final vote.

The use of quantity of money as a target has not been a success. I'm not sure that I would as of today push it as hard as I once did. - Milton Friedman in Financial Times (UK) June 7, 2003

Who said of Saddam Hussein He has not developed any significant capability with respect to weapons of mass destruction. He is unable to project conventional power against his neighbours ?- Colin Powell in February 2001

Who said of containment against Saddam Hussein We are able to keep arms from him. His military forces have not been rebuilt ?- Condoleezza Rice in July 2001

I do not consider Hitler to be as bad as he is depicted. He is showing an ability that is amazing and seems to be gaining his victories without much bloodshed ?- Mahatma Gandhi, May 1940

I am strongly in favour of using poisonous gas against uncivilised tribes ... to spread a lively terror ?- Winston Churchill, writing as President of the Air Council, in 1919

Who granted several audiences to, and received a donation of more than $1 million from Shoko Asahara, leader of the Supreme Truth cult of Japan, and spreader of sarin gas in the Tokyo subway ?- The Dalai Lama, in 1982

Which politician travelled to Indonesia and received a $10 million donation from dictator Suharto to help party funds, while avoiding criticism of Indonesia's repressive policies, including political imprisonment ?- Nelson Mandela, in October 1990, six months after his own release from prison

Who warned of the acquisition of unwarranted influence by the US military-industrial complex and its potential to endanger liberties and the democratic processes ?- President Eisenhower, in his Final Address to the Nation, January 17, 1961

If our country were defeated, I hope we should find a champion as admirable (as Hitler) to restore our courage and lead us back to our place among the nations ?- Winston Churchill, in his Great Contemporaries, 1937

Who was an enthusiastic and uncritical guest of the dictatorships of Haiti and Albania, and the phalangists in Lebanon ?- Mother Teresa of Calcutta

Who referred to the Munich chapter of the German Communist Party as chaotic, filthy and full of Jews ?- Eugenio Pacelli, later Pope Pius XII

With reference to the US conquest and annexation of a third of Mexico, who said : What has miserable, inefficient Mexico to do with the great mission of peopling the New World with a noble race ?- Walt Whitman

Who urged suspicious attention to any proposed new law or regulation that comes from businessmen, because they have generally an interest to deceive and even to oppress the public?- Adam Smith in The Wealth of Nations

Who wrote of God: He says naïvely, outspokenly and without suggestion of embarrassment "I, the Lord thy God, am a jealous God."
It is only another way of saying "I, the Lord thy God, am a small God; fretful about small things" ?- Mark Twain, in Letters from the Earth

Who declared homosexuality to be immoral and disgusting ?- Ayn Rand, at her Ford Hall appearance, 1971

To occupy Iraq would instantly shatter our coalition, turning the whole Arab world against us and make a broken tyrant into a latter-day hero ... assigning young soldiers to a fruitless hunt for a securely entrenched dictator and condemning them to fight in what would be an un-winnable urban guerilla war. It could only plunge that part of the world into even greater instability.- George Bush Snr, in A World Transformed, 1998

Who paid an official visit to China, described Beijing as ghastly and warned a group of foreign students If you stay here much longer, you'll all be slitty-eyed ? - The Duke of Edinburgh, 1986

Who demonised Jews and urged the destruction of their synagogues and houses, the seizing of their valuables and the denial of their prayer books and passports ? - Martin Luther, in his 1543 pamphlet Concerning the Jews and their Lies

Who said The word and working of God is quite clear; that women were made to be either wives or prostitutes ?- Martin Luther

Who expressed humanitarian abhorrence of the death penalty, declaring that to kill a man in a paroxysm of passion is understandable, but to have him killed by someone else after calm and serious meditation and on the pretext of duty honourably discharged is incomprehensible- The Marquis deSade

Who, commenting on World War Two, said: The Jews should have offered themselves to the butcher's knife. They should have thrown themselves into the sea from cliffs- Mahatma Gandhi to biographer Louis Fisher in June 1946.

Which country elected a World War II fascist war criminal (Class A) as a peacetime leader ?- Japan: Tojo cabinet minister Nobusuke Kishi became Prime Minister in 1957, eight years after his release from prison.

AND YOU THOUGHT YOU FUCKING KNEW PEOPLE!!!!

a moment of reflection

2004-09-06T10:43:00.000-07:00

Well today is labor day, one of the many indications that the summer is over so I have decided to take a moment to look back and reflect upon it. Lets look at the pluses first: I have had a lot of free time to do what I want and have not had many real obligations to anyone. I have had a chance to work on my DDR skills (which I am a comparable level to James now (sad considering he owns the game and I don’t)). I have been able to spend time with my friends only thing is TJ I wish I would have gotten to know you better earlier in the summer so we could have partied- oh well there’s always Oshkosh. Jason, stay at your dads house more, its fun and I feel welcomed (not that TJ or Jason take the time to read this). It seems like every summer I acquire a new friend from McDonalds last year Jason this year TJ. Plus I got to maintain a sexual relationship for the vast majority of the summer. I don’t know if its good or bad but Jon has exiled his entire friend group (myself included obviously) to maintain a relationship (a romantic, nonsexual relationship, if that makes any sense- to me it doesn't since neither of them are Christian or a religion that opposes pre marital sex, and Laura isn’t even a virgin). Its kind of funny when ever anyone asks Jon about anything sexual he becomes offended and is even proud that they don’t kiss (or that is of July at least). I admit I thought Laura was kind of cute, but only because I have a thing for bisexual girls and lesbians- while most men I am sure would concur with my statement if they knew that the vast majority of lesbian and bisexual women were not the blonde hair, big breasted super models as seen in porn I highly doubt they would be attracted to these women, I cannot explain why I find this quality attractive but every single women I have been attracted to has been in some way or another ether lesbian or bi-curious, maybe because it is such a liberal thing in today’s culture. But anyways Jon is a fucking moron, I can only wait until those two break up Jon has no where to come crying to, although if Jon is still hell bent on suicide when they break up I will even buy him a means of death, I don’t want to spend money for a gun so it probably wont be that but the point is Jon is dead to me now. And if ether Jon or Laura happen to read this think about this for a minute: you have never had a serious fight before, Laura according to your blog you want to move far away from here some day and Jon doesn't even want to leave Muskego (from what I have gathered) how do you plan on maintaining a relationship when one of you is happy here and the other hates it? I’ll say this now and it will sound contradicting in a few minutes but I would rather be single then with Laura. Well as far as the bad stuff goes I lost Beth around the middle June, say lost and not broken up with because one has to actually break up with the other person and that never happened. Surprisingly enough I did not take that with her as bad as I did it with Jessica and that as bad as Amanda- I'm scared what will happen with James if Andréa and him break up. But it seems that after every break up I go through I seem more immune to its effects. The effects I am not immune to are those being alone, yeah friends are one thing but anyone who plutonic relationships have the same significance as romantic ones is a total moron. What also doesn't help is when ether A. all of your are in a relationship or B. the only reason they are not is because they choose to or they are indifferent about it. In addition it doesn't make matters any easier when the friends who enjoy going out and having a good time always get the women who were interested in me until the met Jason and the others dong like going out at all. Although on the bright side of that I know I will eventually find someone else because if I had the slightest inkling that I wouldn’t I would not hesitate in killing myself now- some would think that is drastic but if is important in a persons life and they knew that it was forever eliminated then the reason for maintaining life would not exist- I'm sure to most of you this makes no sense but it does to me which is all that really matters. I have started cutting myself because of this, although its been a few weeks since I have done that which I suppose is good. Plus right now I cant find a job to keep myself occupied which sucks because it prohibits me from saving money to get my sorry depressed ass out of this place plus it keeps me at home to sit around and think about all that’s wrong in my life. But not to worry, winter is coming and I’ll just get more depressed from that, OH YEAH. Plus since when I was going out with Beth we actually had a good time by doing shit which involved spending money stupid now refuses to pay anything over $200 on my credit card- meaning I'm borderline from going in debt AND on top of things everything else since my car has to sit outside in winter its going to be dead by February (according to my estimates). However the one redeeming thing I have going for me is I am sure a solution to all of these problems will come in their respective time. To change the subject I was reading the paper today and I saw my supposed prom date (for of those of you who don’t know it I will give the short version: had crush on girl from 7^th grade on, finally got the balls to ask her to the prom my SR year, accepted at first, found out I was not a Christian, canceled plans because of it and refused to talk to me) in it for singing at a Christian music festival in Kenosha (Paul if you or jess were there let me know (just wondering)) now show I have some respect for her since she has made religion a priority in her life not that any of this matters anymore, but it would resolve a lot of the animosity I have. Just wondering

2004-08-19T19:37:00.000-07:00

I now know why he did what he did

good news and bad news

2004-08-13T17:57:00.001-07:00

the good news is i almost died in a auto accdient today
the bad news i said almost

end of slutty

2004-08-11T01:31:00.000-07:00

well i am going on vacation in about 5 hours and by the time i get back to wisconsin slutty will have moved to madison. i'm dissapointed in the fact that i am loosing a sex toy for the most part i suppose its for the best in that the chances of me getting an std is now 0. But since beth has been out of the picture for along time and now slutty is gone I wish i knew where to go, all of you people dont to be occupied with such issues (Esp the female ones) none of you are in this position, and few can understand where i am coming from. And dispite what you all want to think i'm not just looking for a quick fuck- given i was with slutty for that end but at least it made me feel like i was with someone. Given i have friends that hate me less then my enemies but at the same time its impossible to give and recieve affection from people who are ether A. already with someone B. have no interst in being with me C. are male (the vast majority of you) or any combonations of the above. I just hope i can get through this period of my life with out killing myself or at least not sustaining a long term injury like sliting my wrists, having someone find me and being a vegitable but if that ever happes i beg someone to pull the plug or shoot me or somthing. I'm not depressed at this particular moment but you d have to be a complete moron to think that i will stay this way- remember what Voltar said about optamism "Optamism is that notorious belief that everything is right when it is actually wrong". Hopefully this vacation will take my mind off everything and i can actually relax....HA (yes that is sarcasm).

3 questions

2004-08-08T00:43:00.000-07:00

I have been doing alot of soul searching and i need help answering these three questions:
1. When traveling at a subsonic speed during the last hour of hyperspace which vector of the romulin nebula will suffer the wrath of th inpenratable quicknening.
2. How many raths to the nearest molton?
3. Why is anything anything?
These are real questions and if you can give an answer thats not redundancy.

outside realms

2004-08-01T20:30:00.000-07:00

Ok this post has nothing to do about anything for the most part. I got to thinking that when i kill myself i wouldlike to have some record of my philosophical thinkings down somewhere and this is one of them. Ok I saw the village and it brought striking resemblances to the matrix (or at least the orignal (nonreleased) version) If you have a desier to see how the movie ends read no further. This girl basically is percieved to be living in 19th centuary America, however her true love is stabbed and the only chance of her survivial is to acquire medicine from another town: problem the town they live in is surrounded by woods and in the woods is things that will kill them if they enter it. However we learn this is mearly a control by the town elders (the monsters that is) so a blind woman (knowing this) is sent to gather medical supplies from town. The illusion goes even deeper as we discover that rather then 1897 the year is 1997 and the enter town is an attempt at a eutopiea. My thought is this with the matrix and this new film is there somthing trying to tell us there is somthing outside of our realm of vision, and if so how do we get "outside the rabbit hole" so to speak. The movies would not lead us to beleave death is the means of escaping, however they do not give any clues as to how to get out of our existance. Some day I hope to discover this world as we know it is an illusion and in time we will see the true world for what it is....damn i thought it was going to be more philosophical well i suppose after the 4th white russian and 2nd blue bawls things become distorted.

Decisions made from desperation

2004-07-29T18:28:00.000-07:00

Ok for the benifit of everyone I need to clarify what is going on esp. since I have ran into james the past two times I have been in Whitewater (how fucked up is that). I am back with slutty to the extent we are having sex and spending time togeather. While most people are going to condem me for this action I can give a very convincing case and here it is: for those of you who say I am better off alone, look at yourself point being you are telling me to do somthing that you yourself has not done- when you are single by force as opposed to by choice then your words has credence and needs no justification, but those who condem me are ones who are not in the position to. Second of in some respects this is what i want: mindless sex with no attachments and untill i can find the means of meeting more partners it seems most logica that I do what i can to fufill my dream. And most importantly of all it helps with my depression since i started having sex with slutty I havent been super depressed, nor have i cut myself and if thats not good I dont know what is. But anyways I just wanted to pleed my case not that it matters.

Brian's party

2004-07-25T06:45:00.000-07:00

WOW thats all i can say about the party it was all that i anticipated and more, after brian had the fireworks equlivent to down town milwaukee. Then i met this girl named Angie....let me try to compair to people you know: compair slutty to beth and beth to these Angie, tall (like 6'2) blonde hair, blue eyes, big brests, and gradguated an engeneering major......so we started flirting and it was ok....then jason came along goddamnit every fucking time.... James i will just say this: you told yourself you didnt want to be like jon or tim or the way i was with slutty and so on and last night proves your're more like them then you know and i'll leave that alone.... there is more i want to say about last night but it can wait till later because i have to goto work

death of saturday

2004-07-16T22:24:00.000-07:00

well this is about the third time i have tried to post on blog and the
previous two times has failed: so when no one reads this because its
not there i wont be shocked I have came to the conclusion saturdays are
dead or at least as they once existed why, because everyone has their
girlfriends or boyfriends and they get to spend "quality time" with
them, by that i mean the old in out, in out for the most part. I
am the only single person among my friends, or at least the only person
thats not involved in some sort of relationship: lets see here bout the
friends i have who are single are stevemotherfucker, jewish steve, and
whytey although i contend whytey is with someone it just constantly
changes. and look at the two others i mentioned:
stevemotherfucker is oblivious to flirting (according to beth, and
coming from her i would take it to be true) and jewish steve, thats a
guy where i have wanted to kill 100 times over again and even to this
day would take great pleasure in it. if you ask my why i will simpally
say this: when a girl asked to make out with him he replied (in an
offended manner) the bucks are on. Why cannot he just die in a slow
painful manner. even jon and eric (two of the most undiserving fucks on
the planet. But this isnt about everyone else its about me. It would be
nice to be able to go out but when there is no where to go it makes it
incriseingly difficult. i even asked afew of my friends if i could
borrow their digital camra so i could get a pic of myself online in an
attept to meet someone new but once again that failed...thanks alot. I
think i am depresssed about the fact that i want to meet new people and
do new things but i dont have the ability to. for those who care i have
gone back to cutting myself and now i questioned why i ever stopped, it
feels so nice to have the blade penitrate my flesh and watch the blood
drain out. if your're ever feeling depressed i suggest you all try it.
Othen then that I am quitting kohls because they are giving me hardly
any hours and the new supervisor is the type person that is bitchy
hyperactive so if your not doing exactly what she wants she will yell
at you in a peppy way which will make me sick. so need to look for
somthign new that gives me hours. other then that i hope everyone has a
happy saturday, i know i wont.

People are fucking stupid

2004-07-15T23:57:00.000-07:00

first off i was reading dwayne's away msg and it stated "when u call up a bunch of friends to hang out and they leave u hanging and than all get togther later and dont call you thats called rude and mean and not being a good friend " is he describing himself or his friends??? but anyways i'm trying to post regularly so whatever: first off i was on the road today going to see whytey and a ferrari testrossa pulls up next to me, i rev the engine implying i want to race, the ferrari initiates it (not seeing a cop was pulled up going the other way and long story the ferrari got a ticket for i am assuming street racing. then yesterday (going to the same place) the speed limit goes from 65 to 45 and a cop is stopped at the 45 mph sign, i hit the breaks firmly and slow to 45 by the sign, a dumbass truck floors it and passes me going probally 70, and needless to say the cop got him too...fucking morons.... although on tues. and wed i went to close with james and that was rather fun i actually made food on wed, and afterwards tj, james and i went to webs which amounted into a 95 min bitch session about work with the watress who also worked there and 2 costmors who work at a different store....i ended up giving her about a 40% tip because we actually got good service (see eric (not that your're ever going to read this) i do leave good tips for those who diserve it, cunts that dont like that guy in chicago dont diserve shit and dont get it form me. Other then that i'm quitting kolhs because the hours suck ass, i am working one day a week...just one i can find better hours other places even if the pay isnt as good making somtnhing and getting 7 hrs a week MAX is worse then a lower paying more work intensive job that gives 40 hours. cant think of anything else other then still single, still depressed, question why i dont cut deep enough to endit all...put thats just a pipe dream, or is it a wet dream...i forget

posting

2004-07-10T22:10:00.001-07:00

I havent had time to post in ages, probally since i have been so busy doing...stuff although i cannot name anything particular i have been keeping occupyed. I need another job so i can buy a new car but its not like that will happen. Today i demoed shit eater, no kidding: it was septic tank cleaner that had living organisms that "digested human fecies"...yeah thats nice working in home depo trying to convince the people to buy a product that eats shit (should have had jon or jason there as a macrocasm of the bacteria). blowing up shit during the 4th was fun although it would have been nice to do more, i suppose we have been out doing every year so next year will be better then last. Hvent heard from beth nor do i care to, i had a date the other day with a woman that worked in neiman marcus, and would have went to rocky with whytey and this girl i met in home depo but she wasnt 18 and fucking whytey never called me about rockey, someone had better of died in his family becuase if they havent yet they will soon. I finally got an update to my wardrobe, some stuff from hottopic, and stuf from neiman marcus.

posting

2004-07-10T22:10:00.000-07:00

2004-06-26T12:51:00.001-07:00

well i have said fuck beth, if she really cared she would have taken the time to call or e-mail or somthing so fuck it. I'm not that bitter although i have been listning to alot of alanis morissette, and with every break up i think it gets a little eaiser each time. On the bright side i almost got a date yesterday but she had to run before i could get her number, oh well. i heard roumers that kohls were cutting people but who knows and i got a job interview at bestbuy next wee (thanks jason, if you need any sexual favors please let me know so i can take care of them). other then that nothing is going on but i suppose thats quite abit.

2004-06-20T01:53:00.000-07:00

Well now that i got all of my venting out of the way i can actually type somthing worth wild: well worked from 11 till 5 and 8 till 2:30 today so that will be nice to get some more money coming in...Beth called me today so i'll give her a call tomorrow and see what happens with that. still am undecied about breaking it off with her. and yes in responce to andera's post yesterday yes it is comformity as much as i hate it i dont see much other choice and notice my additional comment that the end justifies the means.

and now for somthing completely different

2004-06-19T00:51:00.000-07:00

(and post #2) Well I have came to the conclusion that since Beth has not taken the time to call me in the past week, or e-mail or instant message she wants things to be over so I have came to the conclusion that if she does not take the time to call me by Sunday I'm going to end things with her if she really cared enough about being with me she would have taken the time to contact me in some way shape or form. With this I have came to the conclusion that love and these long-term relationships I try to get into suck and I need to stop doing it. So with that in mind I'm am going to try to become a different person. I need to go through my own sexual revolution I don’t want this whole relationship obligation what ever you want to call it crap I have been in. I to have my own sexual revolution: a lot of people I know have went through one: Beth had her, slutty hers, Bert is going through his now and will probably be for the next 10 years, even a religious person like Troy and James White have had theirs although for those two I doubt it was sex as intercourse. But that aside I want mine and I think I am going to start taking appropriate steps to start it. As much as I hate conforming I feel the end justifies the means so I plan on starting to work out so I can actually look physically attractive to women and who knows maybe a few men (I told you I want change and I have no idea where this is going to go- just have to try and keep an open mind), and make an attempt to become socially extroverted so my personality is more socially accepted and finally actually make a real attempt to meet new people because sitting in the damn house all day does no good for me nor what I want.

Rights to complain

2004-06-19T00:32:00.000-07:00

I have two separate thoughts I need to document so I’m going to do two separate posts: first off today at work I was thinking about and probably because I was doing mindless busy work but in ether case I came to a realization: James has no right to complain about his life what so ever because of the following this he has that I don’t, and I am not complaining at all: first off he has a job that pays quite abit of money (if I recall his last check was between 300 and 500$ (my last check was 38.92$. Second he has girlfriend that loves him and cares about him greatly- given the events of the past two weeks if I still have a girlfriend I’m not going to for long and I KNOW she doesn’t care about me nearly as much as I do about her but shit happens. Third he is going to get his degree in physics and mathematics-- I realize it was my choice to not go back to Whitewater HOWEVER I do plan on going back for my degree on my term’s not other people’s. Fourth he's friends are actually his friends that trust him- Considering James says he doesn't trust me and we are supposed to be close friends that’s contradiction in and of its self so I probably wouldn’t need to go on but I will: looking through my contact list I see maybe 7 or 8 people that would trust me and a little hint for those who are reading this the list excludes James, Jared, (dunno about Jason), and Paul shit Paul refuse to talk to me on the phone out of everyone I hang out with James and occasionally Jason are the only two that take the time to call me does that strike anyone as strange??? I should also point out that I am excluding James White from this because he has proven himself more then any other of my friends have. So when James bitches about his life sucking or whatever it is he has no fucking right to and I wonder if he realizes what he has- it would be nice to see what he thought if the tables were turned how things would go over.

sleep depression

2004-06-07T01:44:00.000-07:00

right now i am really tired but i cant sleep because its too damn hot in this house, i'm not sure if the AC works or not and i cant turn it on untill stupid goes to work so i tried to open the windown but i hear fucking construction outside keeps me awake so my mind has wondered back to beth and how i have not been able to get ahold of her all weekend, i'm scared to death somthing is wrong like really really wrong i dont think i can keep on going with out her i am not thinking rationally right now so i dont care what people think even if no one reads this damn thing, perhaps thats for the better everyone fucking hates me anyway it probally would be best for everyone if i just killed myself right now i just wish i knew what was going on with beth i love her so much and im scaredbut i know that i dont want to go on living with out her well its taken me 45 mns to write this thing so i guess ill try sleeping again not that it will do any good...must wake up early tomorrow to try e-mailing beth

Whats there to do???

2004-06-05T14:39:00.000-07:00

Well I go to work in about an hour and twenty mns so I figured ide write an update in my blog: well Beth and I are supposed to go see the new Harry Potter movie tomorrow although I have not heard from her as of yet, I am a little worried because she normally returns my calls with in afew hours. Since I was not able to get ahold of Beth I decided to hang out with Whytey and his new perspective GF, she dosent seem too bad, like an airheaded, christian version of Anderia as scarry as that seeems. W didn't do anything productive: went to webb's after I met whytey at his job and thats about it. Today preisdent Regan died and seeing all the tv clips of the 80s made me miss those times- when I was ignorant to bad things in the world around me.. oh well its gone forever never to come back.

Living at home

2004-06-01T03:52:00.000-07:00

Goddamn living at home sucks: i get to listen to stupid complain about how my job is worthless...even though he is the one who pressured me to drop out of college and get a job, i'm far away from beth, i'm far away from all of my friends and gas prices are 2.11/ gallon- this sucks i'm trapped and cannot do shit about it...my only hope is taht beth will have some free time and we can hang out ether at her place or here in burlington, im going to sleep...ttyl

Summertime

2004-05-24T19:19:00.000-07:00

Now I remember why I hate summer so adimiately: i cannot get ahold of anyone and i am so board i could throw up. after trying to call 6 people none of them answered their cell. Although kent called me back basically telling me he wants his money which I dont intend to pay him I mean i drove over 400 miles in total driving his sorry ass to work and he thinks that one tank of gas can cover those expences...BULLSHIT I want to get several other people's opinion on this before i decide to tell kent this. goddamnit out of everyone on my contact list anderia is away, adam smith is watching a movie and the rest of the fuckiers online i dont even talk to anymore: David i dont have any real issues wiht him, but obviously james does, amanda why i keep that fucking whore's name on my contact list after she fucked me over is beyond me but in ether case she is on, and thats about it. Beth called me today on the phone wich was really awsome but she was sick so it makes me miss her even more for some reason, thank god on thrusday i'm going to be eating dinner with her and her parents. where the hell is everyone, i know Beth is sleeping, kent is doing his knife thing, and aside from that i have no clue where anyone is or what anyone is doing. It would be awsome if anderia or kat came online- just give them time. must find somthign to do so that i dont end up shooting myself in the head...

First Post

2004-05-17T13:46:00.000-07:00

Well this is my first post so im expermenting to see how it works...fun eh