Location: Whitewater, Wisconsin, United States

nothing to say

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Birthday Bomb, Trucker Bomb....its all the same

Well my birthday came and went and blah, I was thinking about it and I realized 22 was probably one of the worst years of my life [My A key isn’t working the best so if I miss a few A’s that’s why] I lived at home with my parents where I had my mother talk to the cat more then she talked to me. I never had a girlfriend or any remotely close opportunities to get one, except for that one girl who already had 2 kids and was only 21 which makes me sick. I never had sex once which makes me miserable knowing that all my friends are ether screwing on a regular basis or have had sex with in the last year. So it seems that every birthday after 21 it gets worse and worse. Also started cutting myself regularly to try and deal with the mental pain and to top it off I gained back all the weight I lost when living alone before. Though now that I am living away from home I have set a few goals that I would like to try and follow through with by the time I turn 24. But as far as my “party” goes the one I had a few days before my actual birthday the only person I knew there was whytey, who apparently didn’t realize even though I remember telling him to have people around because I was planning on this being by birthday party. The closest thing to a birthday party was the System concert on Friday which was fun, however the excessive amount of driving I had to do was getting to me but oh well, I got a free concert ticket and a free tank of gas out of it. But the moral of the story is hopefully 23 will be a better year and the 24th party will be better. Next thing is: One thing I have been noticing within the past couple of weeks that is confusing me is that Andera is acting like I am incapable of having any emotion. So why would someone who is not capable of having emotion cut them selves or why would they want to die on such a regular basis, if one has no emotion then emotional pain wouldn’t exist, and well I'm sure the circular logic is quite obvious. I think I have more to say but I'm too tired, will post when can see straight.


Blogger Andrea said...

Wow Ralph,
First off my name is Andrea. Second,
I never said you didnt have any emotions.
My concern is that you don't care aobut other people. And in fact have said this many times.
How can I be friends with someone that doesn't care about me at all? I've made ever attmpt I can to let you know that I care and i all get from you is a cold shoulder, and I quote from you "Because I have to"
IF you stoped being sulking about how crappy your life is and actually did someting about it perhaps youy wuold not be cutting yourself.
A good start to this is careing about people.
If you cared about people amybe you would actually have people at your birthday party, who is going to go to celerbrate with a bastard?
You seem rather proud of being a bastard.
For example you don't even wish good things for your friends;
"which makes me miserable knowing that all my friends are ether screwing on a regular basis or have had sex with in the last year."
You seem nothing but selfish and self serving,
and if you prove or even aruge otherwise to me, i'd be happy to be your friend again.

October 9, 2005 at 2:49 PM  
Blogger Railside said...

Well for starters I recall instances in conversation where you have said I don’t have emotions- however since conversations are hearsay I can give an implicit example, on your post from July 6th at 5:58 PM in your poem you use the phrase “never cries” in describing me, I said that was inaccurate but more importantly saying one “never cries” is implying they have no emotion. Trying to hide emotion is quite different. A for me caring about other people- I indeed do care about people if I didn’t care about people more likely then not I would not be alive now. I do believe you care however its contradicting when you say you care and every time you came over to my house for LAN parties and James came over you buried your head in his crotch, I’ve told you that makes me feel like shit, James has told you it makes me feel like shit but you persisted. And in addition to this I am relatively it didn’t exactly make TJ feel warm and fuzzy inside. Yes I would in fact like to change my life but as I have told you, James, whitey, TJ and I am sure others changing one’s life isn’t exactly like flipping a light switch. Numerous times I have asked you how am I supposed to change my life when I have no idea where to begin and there was no concise answer. Cutting myself at least defers the psychological pain into something tangible. If I knew where to go I would try ECT. I have said it before and I’ll say it again here: every day that passes I feel a little bit of my sanity slipping. (yes I am responding to this in the order I read it) You may have forgotten, it being such a long time ago however when I was with Beth I was a different person- ask James and I am sure he will attest to this fact. Wishing good things for one’s friends is quite different from having my friends flaunt what I don’t have in my face (as I mentioned above). And if that isn’t proof enough for you a few other things that crossed my mind while at work that proves to the contrary are as follows: when i went to pick up TJ from the concert I could have easily said fuck it and not went or drove directly to Whitewater. I don’t think its fair you gave me shit for having TJ giving me a little extra for driving nearly 4 hours after working an 8 hour shift and driving probably another 6 hours at least. If I was truly selfish I would have demanded James or TJ drive or we all drive separately. Also when you though I never called you- within a week I called you to talk. While some of the times I called you my cell battery died or I was home I still made the effort to call you, however after interrupting your D&D games I decided to stop. Cant wait to hear your response to this, I'm going on WOW. Gratz to James on the Death charger; Gratz to you Andrea for 5 pieces of light forge armor and Gratz to me for making 600 gold on a single auction.

October 10, 2005 at 10:57 PM  
Blogger Andrea said...

I meant “never cries” as saying you show no emotion,
Not saying you have no emotion. Crying is something we show other to let them know we are sad,
It was obviously a poem not to be interpreted literally, since you’re by no means a mobster. This could have easily been clarified had you brought it up sooner.
“buried your head in his crotch” You must be refuting to me having my head on his lap, not crouch mind you, and that must of happened maybe twice, and if you were paying attention most of those LAN parties me and James were on fighting terms more then anything else. I am sorry if you made you feel like shit, but it sure as hell didn’t happened a lot.
Don’t even try to say you call me, you call James every day at 9:30 and you havne’t called me just to talk since the very start of September. Granted I have not been that good at calling but since you only have a half hour to talk at unknown break hours it makes it sort of hard for either of us to talk. So don’t you dare try to claim otherwise lol. Every week I told you when I had D&D so don’t blame me for you forgetting.

Perhaps I just loved the old you when you were with Beth when you could be happy for your friends and seemed tobe much smarter and nicer to me hell we used to talk for hours, what the fuck happened?

October 13, 2005 at 12:01 AM  
Blogger Andrea said...

You know after thinking aobut my post for a bit, i realize that it might be because of your depression,
and that might seem wrong at first, because it is hard to get out of one, but your not trying all that much,
and I keep hearing and fearing your going to kill yourself,
This makes emotional attachment(most of my def of friend) very very hard for me to do.
So unless i know your going to care about me, or James, or Tj, or Whitey, or all of us, or somone else, so that I know you won't want to kill yourself, I find it impossable to like you very much,
because i've been hurt a lot over the past 6 years and I can not tolerate much more heartbreak, espically somone close dying.
So I can't get close, till I know it's safe.

October 13, 2005 at 12:10 AM  
Blogger Railside said...

a couple things you want to keep in mind: i long for things the way they were too, more so then you can imagine. Also, there really isnt any "cure" persay for depression, the only real cure is death. What does help is having close friends to convide in so by staying save is actually making me feel worse. Also we stopped having long conversations in december, we started wow in december. Lastly i was starting to feel better till tonight, for reasons which i would prefer to tell you about in person or phone, assuming you still care

October 13, 2005 at 3:08 AM  
Blogger Paul said...

pretty accurate description/explanation of depression.

October 13, 2005 at 10:22 AM  
Blogger Railside said...

OK now that last post just wants me to throw up

October 14, 2005 at 10:43 AM  
Blogger James said...


WTF is going on here?!

October 14, 2005 at 6:35 PM  
Blogger Railside said...

OK i'm sellectively deleting porn comments because they have nothing to do with this, fucking morons have nothing better to do with their time

October 14, 2005 at 10:19 PM  
Blogger Andrea said...

why are you being spammed by ads^?

"isnt any "cure" persay for depression, the only real cure is death" If you really think that you need to pick up some books from the libaray about Philisophy of emotion. You will learn about depression, what it is, how it can be treated, different options, how people have gotten over depression,
Hell, I can think of about 10 people in my life that have had serious depression and gotten over it to different degrees.
You just havne't really tried or done any research on the topic. I know so because your only solution so far is cutting yourself.
A well informed person on depression knows how silly that is to trying to make depression better.

October 21, 2005 at 7:40 AM  
Blogger James said...

Granted Andrea is right, there is treatment and it would do Ralph well to look into it.

The only thing I will say in Ralph's defense is that when you actually are deeply depressed, it's hard to think straight about any of those logical steps. Believe me, I know first hand.

In regard to the question about ad spamming, Paul wrote a very informative post about it recently

October 21, 2005 at 8:22 AM  
Blogger Paul said...

wow. i am linked.

seriously, though. there is something you, ralph, can do about this. you can enable that word verification thing. it's off by default, so you'll have to enable it, but it's a step toward blocking automated comment spam, at least. james, since you also use blogspot hosting (i think?), you can do this too.

next-blogging needs to be fixed, though.

and on the whole depression thing. i too know some ways one can stave off depression; ways it can be pushed back and down into subconscious thought, so as not to be dwelled on.

that whole methodology is all nice and good, but when you're in it, it's somewhat difficult to do. there is nothing in all of existence except your own self-loathing, your desire to bleed yourself dry. there is something dark inside you, and you must purge it from your blood.

at least, that's me.

October 21, 2005 at 10:30 AM  

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