Railside's Home

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Location: Whitewater, Wisconsin, United States

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Thursday, February 17, 2005

last night

Ok I should have posted this last night but I didn’t so I suppose better late then never. So last night I was playing WOW and decided to log off early so I could have some time to surf the net, no big deal right but for some strange reason while I was checking my e-mail I became incredibly depressed and stated crying uncontrollably (and no for what ever its worth I didn’t receive any e-mail that would prompt that (although after getting 1 million spam mails about penis enlargement, maybe another million and a reason to get it I’ll reconsider)) but getting back to my point so when I usually get depressed I just turned to my trusty knife and cut myself only I think I went a little too deep because when I cut in a gush of blood splattered on my computer and I began to bleed profusely, at that point I really didn’t care I just wiped up what I saw and went to bed when I was laying in bed I could still feel my arm bleeding and I seriously contemplated coming down stairs to write a goodbye message but I was getting too dizzy to move so I thought if I lived I would write this and here I am writing it, I am assuming it just coagulated some time shortly after I passed out and I woke up with a bloody gauze the next morning. All day today I have fealt really down, again for no real reason. But anyways I am writing this to clarify a few things one big one is if and when I do kill myself what the reason is. There is no big thing: no one broke up with me (recently) I think I'm over Beth and I know I am over slutty and I would like to move on with my life. So yes Andera when you said something to the effect ‘oh, I'm single, no one will screw me so I'm going to kill myself’ was wrong, but I’ll go more into that later. The problem is I really don’t know how to do that the fact still remains most of the day I work 9 hours of actual work plus an hour and a half of drive time so that’s 10 and a half hours out of 24, leaving me with 13.5 hours. Sleeping is also a necessity so lets say 8 hours, just because that’s the standard recommended by doctors, now we’re down to no we’re down to 5.5 hours a day considering the hours I am free would be midnight till 2:30 the next day (excluding sleeping and driving) those times are horrible to say the best. Definitely not the best hours to meet people, and I am not only referring to the romantic sense- I also mean meeting new people in general. If we want to include weekends I have Saturday from 3PM on till whenever on Sunday. Which leaves me between one day at most to hang out with my friends; James and Andera- I explicitly mention their names only because I cant think of any other people who actually go out of their way to contact me. In fact let me look at my cell to see who takes time out of their day to contact me: (incoming calls from my cell time stamped from December 31st and going forward: slutty, Eric, stevemotherfucker (returning my call), slutty, Andera, Stewart, house, slutty, whytey, James. Two names did not come up on that list that really should have: namely Paul and Jason. If ether of you read this site I have a few direct questions for you: 1. are we friends or am I just someone who follows James around on occasion 2. if we are friends why do neither of you take time out of your day to call me and don’t give me that too busy bullshit because I know both of you called James tonight. So if we are friends why don’t you give me the time of day, and if not why have you mislead me. Simple easy questions that I would appreciate a simple and easy answer to. Whytey and Eric: we are both busy but I thank you for contacting me. Slutty, I'm not going to bail you out of jail so call me when you don’t want something from me. As long as I'm on the offensive here I might as well take care of it all at once. Andera ever since we had our argument in Arlington HTS it seems that you have been really distant and not all that interested in hanging out unless James is around too, is there any accuracy to that or am I just seeing things that are not there. It seems that the only person’s opinion you care about anymore is James’s I mean don’t get me wrong I'm glad you two are getting closer but it seems that our friendship is turning into my friendship with James and Andera. I also say this because along time ago when I went to you for advise it was thoughtful and meaningful and now it just seems to be ‘you have no right to feel bad because I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years and moved on’ or ‘we all are lonely so shut up’ I am sure this isn’t what you meant but its what I got out of it. I'm sure you are going to be pissed off by this but right now I feel like I am on the brink of insanity and I need to say what I can while I can still put remotely cognitive sentences together. So now that I have lost all of my few few friends I might as well finish piecing together why I think my breakdown happened and depression has been incurring: living at home- I come home to a house with my mother and a cat and the cat is cared for more then I am, ignoring these facts I finally discovered my mother’s intentions is for me is to follow her footsteps in that I should live at home until I get married (so for her that was 33) but needless to say whatever happens with the apartment I will NOT be doing that, and if I am at home it will be in an glass jar or better yet a Ralph’s coffee can. One last thing I thought of is in regards to work- I do not mind the work I am doing however my coworkers are all morons purely and simply morons- one guy says Paul is satanic because he is Goth, or the deer nuts guy ehhhh. Inner related to that is the fact I am not in school- don’t get me wrong I want to be in school but I know if I continued in Whitewater I would have killed myself or been in a padded room some time ago, there’s no need going into why UWW is a bad school for me, if you go there and you like it: good for you, I hated it with a passion period. So I suppose it comes down to no time for friends I have, no time to make new friends, no time for any sort of romance, home life sucks balls, and I work with idiots. And I want to be in school but because stupid is a cheep bastard. So in the event what I am about to write falls through the ground and I do end up killing myself I hope no one (at least no one who reads this is shocked or didn’t see any warning signs because they’re right here in plain English, you don’t know how to see a cry for help that’s your problem not mine. And now the reason I didn’t come right home and finish what I started last night: solutions since at work I have time to think: lots and lots of time to think I came up with a few solutions. First and foremost actually try to get some professional counseling after my health insurance kicks in which should be in April or May and possibly start taking some sort of anti depressant medication, considering the alternative both I think would help. Find some way to move back to Whitewater so if not have more time to meet more people at least have time to sped time with the friends I have. After I am past my probationary period in Generac set up a realistic plan for going back to college, if not Hawaii far away from the Midwest. But I think the two big things are starting counseling and getting out of my parents house. Well 1 hour and 2 pages later I think I am done with my longwinded rant I suppose in comparison I feel better then I did when I started writing and significantly better then I did 24 hours ago because now I have no real interest in dieing or killing myself so that’s a plus. Lemme know what you think

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

those who find the truth they want are contented by it
those who find different are destroyed by it
the moral of the story ignorance is bliss

Sunday, February 13, 2005

plan 2.0

OK let me address 2 things from the previous post first off in reguards to the cutting thing it was more masochistic at one point however in the recent weeks or months that has shifted. secondly James i will conciede you are half right about the shallow bitch part- yes it is shallow but a relationship dosent start at the point of love it starts at infatuation and can ether evolve into love or dematerialize or anything in between- but independeants is a stepping stone. now with that out of the way i would like to introduce my newest theory: Andera since your parents will pay for your section of the apartment reguardless how about you get an apartment by yourself or better yet with a roommate so it would give me one more resource of a person (for ethere dating or female friend, both would be useful in my case) because lets be honest with each other theres no way in hell james would let you move in with some random guy. While at the same time James and I get an apartment togeather in the same complex so the two of you are close for your fucking, and the 3 of us are close for our gaming, in addition that way that way everyone is happy. waiting for feedback.

Monday, February 07, 2005

ALL WORK and no play makes jack a dull boy

still working 60 hrs a week well technically 55 but you figure between 40 and 45 mns drive time each way figure more then 60 hours a week so little time to post. right now i'm at lvl 31 on WOW, almost done with duskwood....i thinnk. other then that one more of my friends is no longer single whytey so my arm and legs are looking nice and cut....i think for valenteins day i will do a nice heart somewhere so evereyone will have somthing nice for the made up holiday. i have been talking to alot of people about my cutting thing and they all say the same thing: stop- dont give me any ideas how to or suggestions, just the most generic thing in the world. if i wanted generic advise like that i would go to the cat. oh the still single thing since i work all that i do (not having time to do anything but work, sleep, and gaming a little i am going to try the HoN again but under my own terms, so if andera will scan one photo of me i'll go from there. On the same note still would like to get an apt over the summer the only hold up is james really having issues with andera and i getting an apt...hell i would prefer the 3 of us but why leave the security of home when you dont mind it that much...i'm not making that big of a deal about it yet because theres still affew months left before need to seriiously start talking to the apt people but it seems that james is being hypocrtical by saying he would do anything he could to help me and then dissaproving of me living with andera (told him this and give him afew days to think about it before i bring it up again): i realize the two of them are dating but the facts are i need a place to get out of this house before i loose my sanity and my car (80 miles a day cannot be good on a car that has 181k mi already) and i really cant think of anyone i trust enough other then those two that need to be in the ww area- (given my past experence with roommates of meathead and druggy alex) but who knows maybe by then i will be downsized or fired and the entier point will be lost. my office was finally painted in total so now i just have to get the carpetting out, get the oriental rug and the desk in and my office will be virtually done next step after that B&O mmm i can smell it now. thats all i can think of at the moment....post again when have more free time