Railside's Home

Location: Whitewater, Wisconsin, United States

nothing to say

Sunday, October 31, 2004

A prozac Halloween

Ohh goody another Halloween done…and another shitty one it was.. Where to begin, lets start out with the fact that I was surrounded by drunk people once again but I remained sober again. I am going to agree with Andera again, next time we go with friends, considering the following: First there were two groups Kelli’s group and my group or James’s or whomever wants to take credit for it. Second as we were walking through Madison the former group leading never even bothered to look back to see where we were but maybe once or twice. Third our input was never considered once, we walked all the way down state street (sober) full of drunken people to see a picture that kelli took that was displayed in a gallery that we have all already seen…big fucking deal, then we walked to the capital so the former group could lay down on the capital steps (full of urine I am sure). Then since I am the only one who has any balls of my group I finally said we want to go to a party at which point the first group discussed amongst them selves and decided go back to their house, where we could “party”. WHAT A FUCKING JOKE!!!! When I said I wanted to get drunk I was replied to there was alcohol back at Kelli's place however when we got to her place there was an empty rum bottle and a little Friday’s Mudslide….THAT IS NOT ALCOHOL!!!!!!!!!!!! And aside from that, the point was completely and totally missed- its like saying you have to drive to Milwaukee but your car is in Lacrosse and you’re in Burlington- if that makes no sense to you, that’s good. And if I just wanted to get drunk for shits and giggles (where the fuck is that from) ide have stayed at home or went to Whitewater. So we wasted our entire evening walking down a street with a bunch of crazy drunken people sober wasting our entire evening yet again. I can only say I am so glad I bought the unfiltered cigs and found a can of unopened beer because if those two things had not happened I probably would have ether had an aneurism or murdered someone. However that wasn’t the ku-de-grah- that came in two separate parts first Jason who made such a big fucking deal about our presence in Madison decided not even to show up himself and stayed back in Milwaukee and party so when I called him he was hung over and said I could come up to Milwaukee anytime and have a good time with him (however this is Jason so I’ll believe it when it comes true). BUT the real kick in the balls came when another person was suppose to party in Madison only to find out when we got there he was drunk already- and to later discover he had sex with some random person. At which point all of the bitterness, rage, disappointment and any other emotions culminated into one large depressive episode (which I am going through as I am writing this none the less). Like most of my depressive episodes my inner thigh was visited by Mr. Razor blade, however this didn’t deal with my depression so I decided to through rubbing alcohol in the equation and cut even deeper, again still didn’t justify my emotional pain so after trying gasoline, salt, lime juice while continuing to make my incision deeper I my trusty lighter, a piece of copper wire and made the wire as hot as the lighter could and cauterized the wound and finally I was feeling a little better but in addition it certainly didn’t (or did pick your word) hurt when candle wax was thrown in the mixture too. So yeah if you see me walking with a limp that’s why. If you haven’t guessed my mental health is quickly going to shit and no one gives a fuck, epically when I write a message that says “HELP ME LIVE OR HELP ME DIE” and the two people that caught it respond by saying “I saw your message.” Well good for you, what’s it worth living when no one gives a fuck if your alive or dead. Funny thinking about it, when Aaron killed himself there were apparently no signs, I cannot say decisively because I didn’t know him, and barely knew James at the time. So when there are signs are they ignored or is it simply a matter of my life being irrelevant. While I'm on this let me just say that had Aaron not of died Kelli would be about as close of friends to us as Troy’s brother, Chad is to us (by us I mean people like James, Andera, myself and so on). Last thing (at the moment) I can think of is while you’re reading this you probably merciful and let it be known mercy is a Christian concept I want to stay away from as much as I can, and as such I do not want pity. Which begs the question what is my goal, its quite simple, help me live my life or help me end it. Right now I am trying to live my life alone and its failing so I am sure its only going to be a matter of time on that and focus on ending it. And lastly if any of this offends you TOUGH SHIT!!!! If I gave a flying fuck and tried compromising my ideals for every self-righteous, fuck out there I’d probably be in a padded room, but it feels like I'm not far away from that regardless.

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

its been awhile

Everyone, its been quite a
Longwhile since i have taken the time to make a
Post so i thought i would take this chance to do so. theres some new things but
Mostly the same old crap. Jon got
Engaged to his girlfriend or now fiancee
Laura...not sure what to think about any of this other then
Its fucked up, knowing slutty and i were dating longer then that, im contompating writing a
Viscious letter to jon about how he let all of his friendhsips die but who knows.
Everyone knows what a moron he is so i question if its worth it.
On the other hand doing somthing like that would be very
Ralphesque and cause much ammusment among many people. Hung out with Eric
Herz and James afew weeks ago which was rather fun. thinking about it
Everything he does amazes me, esp considering he seems to becoming much more openminded
Leaving behind what i woudl call pointless redundant illogical
Pieces of shit thinking, if only more could be like that, oh well
Maybe later, everyone has their own ideals and theoris, on the bright side it is said
Education is a big helper in reducing closemindedness. more importantly the
Development of my office is well underway, in process of repainting now
I need to do is move the furniture for the celing and get new furniture and i will be set. Well i'm
Ending this now before i start repeating myself...good night

Sunday, October 17, 2004


WOW after seeing tonight's episode i'm not sure what to say..... you know i could really relate to that show, espically with the not being able to hold my crap in....although the real reason for this post is jason AKA Poncho I cant beleave you finally got a gig on adult swim much less ATHF. You know i can admit when i am wrong and i was wrong about jason: yeah i thought he was going to go to college for a little while, drop out and live off of his dads money which he would throw away and be poor and homeless. But now after seeing ATHF tonight I know deep down jason will be a great television personality....I'm sorry for ever having doubts in you Jason

Monday, October 11, 2004


OK i'm getting fucking tired of this shit: i go to hot topic and find a cool pair of pleather pants or vinyl ones and they dont come in my size so i am giving this open invitation: if you can find a pair of pants similar to http://www.hottopic.com/store/product.asp?LS=0&ITEM=201862&RN=136 (yes i realize they are in women's sizes but ask if i care) or http://www.hottopic.com/store/product.asp?LS=0&ITEM=297242&RN=136 i will pay anything under $275...so if your're short on money here is a way to make some money for doing hardly anything at all.....good luck

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Idiots need to die

OK Everyone I was out driving tonight and I saw a “Bush” house- by this I mean a house that has several (3 or more) political flyers that support Bush. What pisses me off is this: there was a sign that said “Support Bush to Support Life” and below it was a picture of a baby, obviously saying that Bush is pro life. Great that makes sense (well as much as it can) that Bush is against abortion. But what pisses me off is there are also signs that say things like “Support the war in Iraq”. Am I the only person in the world who sees this is the biggest contradiction since “Honest Politicians” or “good republicans” roamed the Earth. If you support Bush only because he is Pro life that’s (at least to me) looks like the short term because abortion has been an issue in the news since before our grand parents were born and its still going to be an issue after our grand children die- a figure head of state is going to have a benign influence on the issue of abortion. But back to my point, are these people are saying it’s ok to kill people in the prime of their life who have been productive to society to some extent but intern its wrong to kill a clump of cells that hasn’t done anything to society and will most likely be a drain on it, I say this because statistics show people who have compensated abortion and decided to not go through with it, their off spring has became part of poverty and more likely to use drugs and more likely to end up in prison for violent crimes. I said it in Milwaukee and I’ll say it again: conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers. (BTW for those of you who are looking for a challenge I have intentionally excluded one key element in my paragraph, can you come with a counter point?)

Sunday, October 03, 2004

fucked up day

Today probably ranks on my top 10 of fucked up days. OK I didn’t get home until like 3:00 AM from hanging out with James and Paul, but I had to wake up at 8:00AM to get ready for work. After arriving at work I'm not feeling like standing around handing out information on a fan air freshener so I get my forms that I need to filled out and leave (in effect getting paid for a 6 hour shift in 15 minutes). Basically I went to a lot of my Illinois places I like to go to: the car wash, Saks, Nordstrom, and Woodfield. After this I decide I want to go to Neiman Marcus to kill some more time before I have to go home (mind you parents know nothing about this) but while crossing Milwaukee Avenue I decide to go to Abt Electronics everything was fun and all and everything considered I had a really good day but the fucked up part is tonight I cut myself and am really depressed, for no fucking reason. This is making me angry, or depressed or both- right now I'm not sure but I suppose its relevance is nonexistent- so the moral of the story is what the fuck. Other then that not much of interest is going on- OH BTW Andrea when you’re online message me I have a proposal for you.