Railside's Home

Location: Whitewater, Wisconsin, United States

nothing to say

Saturday, June 26, 2004

well i have said fuck beth, if she really cared she would have taken the time to call or e-mail or somthing so fuck it. I'm not that bitter although i have been listning to alot of alanis morissette, and with every break up i think it gets a little eaiser each time. On the bright side i almost got a date yesterday but she had to run before i could get her number, oh well. i heard roumers that kohls were cutting people but who knows and i got a job interview at bestbuy next wee (thanks jason, if you need any sexual favors please let me know so i can take care of them). other then that nothing is going on but i suppose thats quite abit.

Sunday, June 20, 2004

Well now that i got all of my venting out of the way i can actually type somthing worth wild: well worked from 11 till 5 and 8 till 2:30 today so that will be nice to get some more money coming in...Beth called me today so i'll give her a call tomorrow and see what happens with that. still am undecied about breaking it off with her. and yes in responce to andera's post yesterday yes it is comformity as much as i hate it i dont see much other choice and notice my additional comment that the end justifies the means.

Saturday, June 19, 2004

and now for somthing completely different

(and post #2) Well I have came to the conclusion that since Beth has not taken the time to call me in the past week, or e-mail or instant message she wants things to be over so I have came to the conclusion that if she does not take the time to call me by Sunday I'm going to end things with her if she really cared enough about being with me she would have taken the time to contact me in some way shape or form. With this I have came to the conclusion that love and these long-term relationships I try to get into suck and I need to stop doing it. So with that in mind I'm am going to try to become a different person. I need to go through my own sexual revolution I don’t want this whole relationship obligation what ever you want to call it crap I have been in. I to have my own sexual revolution: a lot of people I know have went through one: Beth had her, slutty hers, Bert is going through his now and will probably be for the next 10 years, even a religious person like Troy and James White have had theirs although for those two I doubt it was sex as intercourse. But that aside I want mine and I think I am going to start taking appropriate steps to start it. As much as I hate conforming I feel the end justifies the means so I plan on starting to work out so I can actually look physically attractive to women and who knows maybe a few men (I told you I want change and I have no idea where this is going to go- just have to try and keep an open mind), and make an attempt to become socially extroverted so my personality is more socially accepted and finally actually make a real attempt to meet new people because sitting in the damn house all day does no good for me nor what I want.

Rights to complain

I have two separate thoughts I need to document so I’m going to do two separate posts: first off today at work I was thinking about and probably because I was doing mindless busy work but in ether case I came to a realization: James has no right to complain about his life what so ever because of the following this he has that I don’t, and I am not complaining at all: first off he has a job that pays quite abit of money (if I recall his last check was between 300 and 500$ (my last check was 38.92$. Second he has girlfriend that loves him and cares about him greatly- given the events of the past two weeks if I still have a girlfriend I’m not going to for long and I KNOW she doesn’t care about me nearly as much as I do about her but shit happens. Third he is going to get his degree in physics and mathematics-- I realize it was my choice to not go back to Whitewater HOWEVER I do plan on going back for my degree on my term’s not other people’s. Fourth he's friends are actually his friends that trust him- Considering James says he doesn't trust me and we are supposed to be close friends that’s contradiction in and of its self so I probably wouldn’t need to go on but I will: looking through my contact list I see maybe 7 or 8 people that would trust me and a little hint for those who are reading this the list excludes James, Jared, (dunno about Jason), and Paul shit Paul refuse to talk to me on the phone out of everyone I hang out with James and occasionally Jason are the only two that take the time to call me does that strike anyone as strange??? I should also point out that I am excluding James White from this because he has proven himself more then any other of my friends have. So when James bitches about his life sucking or whatever it is he has no fucking right to and I wonder if he realizes what he has- it would be nice to see what he thought if the tables were turned how things would go over.

Monday, June 07, 2004

sleep depression

right now i am really tired but i cant sleep because its too damn hot in this house, i'm not sure if the AC works or not and i cant turn it on untill stupid goes to work so i tried to open the windown but i hear fucking construction outside keeps me awake so my mind has wondered back to beth and how i have not been able to get ahold of her all weekend, i'm scared to death somthing is wrong like really really wrong i dont think i can keep on going with out her i am not thinking rationally right now so i dont care what people think even if no one reads this damn thing, perhaps thats for the better everyone fucking hates me anyway it probally would be best for everyone if i just killed myself right now i just wish i knew what was going on with beth i love her so much and im scaredbut i know that i dont want to go on living with out her well its taken me 45 mns to write this thing so i guess ill try sleeping again not that it will do any good...must wake up early tomorrow to try e-mailing beth

Saturday, June 05, 2004

Whats there to do???

Well I go to work in about an hour and twenty mns so I figured ide write an update in my blog: well Beth and I are supposed to go see the new Harry Potter movie tomorrow although I have not heard from her as of yet, I am a little worried because she normally returns my calls with in afew hours. Since I was not able to get ahold of Beth I decided to hang out with Whytey and his new perspective GF, she dosent seem too bad, like an airheaded, christian version of Anderia as scarry as that seeems. W didn't do anything productive: went to webb's after I met whytey at his job and thats about it. Today preisdent Regan died and seeing all the tv clips of the 80s made me miss those times- when I was ignorant to bad things in the world around me.. oh well its gone forever never to come back.

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

Living at home

Goddamn living at home sucks: i get to listen to stupid complain about how my job is worthless...even though he is the one who pressured me to drop out of college and get a job, i'm far away from beth, i'm far away from all of my friends and gas prices are 2.11/ gallon- this sucks i'm trapped and cannot do shit about it...my only hope is taht beth will have some free time and we can hang out ether at her place or here in burlington, im going to sleep...ttyl